like an air conditioning vent

So I've been doing some thinking. It has been a week and all, and I think that everything that has happened in my life has been positive.

I completed my assignment Thursday night, and I feel like now explaining what it was. My assignment was to go up to a girl I thought was interesting and talk to her. I did it; nothing happened from it, but I really wasn't nervous if it worked out or not. She was cute. All her friends were kind of humored that someone came up to her and hit on her. I kind of wonder what the situation was. Obviously they knew more about it than I did. She had her panties in a bunch all night, but she was the cutest I saw.

Glad I did it. I don't really feel any different about it, but I did it. Baby steps. The other part of my assignment was completed awhile ago. It was to look up clubs I would like to join. I am going to go to the Swing Dance Club's lessons on Monday night.

It has been a long time since I've talked to Alison. I think I've made a decision about it all. I think if she does something that would ruin anything special we had it would be extremely tough to give her a second chance. I don't know the situation she is in, but I do know what she said to me (and discussed with her mom) about the situation. I know where my values are, and I know that I am not going to do anything stupid or to make her jealous. I also know I wouldn't take her back instataneously right now, a month from now, or anytime in the future. I think the decision would take time, and I would truly have to think if "this is what is best for me."

I have also been thinking about this summer. I think it is going to be a large learning experience for me. I think that I'm going to fail quite a bit, get my face dragged through the mud, and feel like there is never going to be a way out. Hopefully my skin will become thicker, and I'll be more confident in my abilities across the board.

There are a few things that I have learned about myself:

• I enjoy doing things for others
• I'm good at things when I put my mind to them
• I'm not that ugly (Thanks to the gay guys! Really I don't mind gay people)
• I am honest
• Given the chance I can be one of the most loving/caring people you will ever meet
• I have a temper sometimes (I've gotten better at controlling this!)
• I've learned to be more accepting of others and their situations

I am sure that I will learn a lot more about myself in the months to come. It will be an exciting and tough time. This past week was fairly easy, and the next one will be as well. There will be some rough nights, and hopefully I'll be able to make it through them.

I don't think I wrote about this, but the other night I passed Alison's brother downtown. I don't know if he noticed me or not. I honestly don't know what to say to her family; I feel like I've let them down in some way. I want to say, "Hi," and act normally around them, but who knows what they think of me. I don't even think I could call them to tell them they've been great to me, and thank them for everything they've done. I honestly don't know if it is the end or not. It very well could be; I just don't know.

I didn't really want to write about her, but I just felt like I needed to get it out and tell someone. I just can't keep my thoughts pent up inside anymore.

I've been thinking about death a lot recently too; it is kind of hard not to when I read two books that dealt with dying men. It reminds me of the bucket list, and how there is a statistic about 1000 people. I think I'm in the 4% that would like to know. Death will come.

Honestly I think if I was told I wouldn't be waking up tomorrow I would be content with it. I don't think I would run out and attempt to do things that I haven't ever done. I'm happy with the things that have happened in my life; I've experienced many things. The most important thing I think that I've experienced is unconditional love. It is like one of my favorite Douglass Adams quotes, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I intended to be." Such is life.

I can't think of too many people that I made happy today, but I do know that the best part of my day was talking to Jamal. I feel much better now after writing this. I feel like I got the monkey off my back.