it’s been said many times many ways…

Well I’m done with my first semester!  I did okay; only one class didn’t really go easily for me, but I’m glad I got through all of them!  This week there was a lot of celebrating.  We had a white elephant gift exchange at our ugly sweater party.  Not my most attractive moment ever, but it was fun!

Friday I went skiing for the first time in a long time.  It was a ton of fun :-).  Haha.  I might not be very good but I only fell twice.  Not bad for being away from skiing since high school.  Maybe a little more liquid courage would help me.  My thighs just got tired.  I am not really in shape.

I have to get two more Christmas gifts.  I got a lot done today, but it was really busy everywhere I went.  I think I might bake tonight; I’m not entirely committed yet.  I love being able to bake again.  I wish all my friends didn’t leave; it is sad being here all alone.  I don’t have the studying to keep me distracted either.  I can’t wait to head down to Kansas City to spend some time with Steve.  It will be a good break; I have two whole weeks to relax.  I’m getting hungry again; I had a light supper so I think I’m going to grab some chips and salsa.

snow!

We got a lot of snow today.  Classes were cancelled.  I ended up staying in bed until 1 PM.  I wasn’t feeling too good.  Finally I decided to wake up and take some medicine.  After that I started to feel a wee bit better, and I took advantage of some much needed study time.  I’m going to study a little more tonight, but I think I’ll wait half an hour or so to get started.

I want to just snuggle up and watch a movie.  I don’t have anyone to do that with though.  I guess all the more reason to study.  Being single is helping me make friends, and this I am glad for.  I think I just need time.  Eventually things will work out; or at least I hope they will :-).  I mean if I never have kids who is going to take care of me when I’m 80?

I’ll be happy when it is Friday.  Then I’ll have (hopefully) two exams next week.  I just have to make it through the remaining four this week.  Two tomorrow and two Friday.  If I don’t get above 70% on the one Friday morning I have to take the final.  Eww.

a good night

This week has been pretty laid back.  I won’t be looking forward to next week.  I think I have a few life decisions to make, but those will come with time.  It is unfortunate that some people won’t like them.

I was called “jaded” tonight.  It was a huge insult.  I’m over that… I know that I’m going to have a very successful life.  I could have after four years of undergrad too.  I’ll be happy if I get a few dogs; die alone; and have a handful of good friends.

If there is a woman that can prove me wrong I’d like to meet her.  I’m still alive; so I haven’t met a woman I can’t live without. ^^ close but no cigar.

it didn’t have to end like this

I have never had the most awkward conversation in my life.  I don’t really know how to explain it, but it had to do with the last few nights.  I’ve been up on a high; I think the holidays just do that to everyone, but I had my stomach sink tonight.  I guess Mat Kearney put it best:

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
We're gonna get there soon

I love that song; I wasn’t on my knees at all.  I just had that feeling that you have when you can’t believe what someone said to you.  For me it hasn’t happened in awhile.  I guess it just reminds me that I’m human.  I’m glad nothing serious happened to anyone in my life.  It was just an emotional issue; we all want to feel needed and wanted.  I guess looking back I don’t see how I should have felt wanted or needed, but hind sight is always twenty/twenty.

I’m glad that I’ve had this week off.  I need to gear up the next few weeks.  I am way too addicted to bears.  I want to get these for my deck.  I think I’m going to run out to Target and see if they have any.  o.O

happy thanksgiving!

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving day.  I was out last night again.  It was a fun time.  I’m really confused though.  Oh well.

I’m glad that I’m on break but it feels like it is moving so fast.  I hope I can enjoy the rest of it while it lasts.  I can’t decide if I want to go to bed early tonight or not.  I want to go get some things tomorrow, but it might be so busy that shopping isn’t worth the hassle.

I’m watching ESPN right now and they’re showing items about older men.  I want to be a cute old man.  I don’t know if I can top what they’ve accomplished.  They’ve both had long marriages (50+ years) and are 99.  I would be happy to be married that long, but in reality it probably won’t happen the way things are going right now.  Not sure how long I’ll last either if I keep eating the way I do.  It has gotten worse since I’ve been a dental student too.  I just don’t have time so I get fast food.  I’ve been trying to get Subway more though.  That is better than deep fried food.  We’ll see; I guess it all just will work itself out. :-) So I don’t have anything to worry about.

weeeee!

I made it to break!  I am enjoying it so far.  It will be a good time off.  I think two weeks from now will suck, but I’ll have a whole week to study for all of those tests.  Semester is almost over.  I got my first class grade, and it was okay.  Not stellar.

I’ve been having a lot more fun now that I have been able to hang out with friends.  Hopefully I’m not too much of a dork either.  I’ve also done some exploring.  Which is good for me because I haven’t really had that confidence.  I just figure it will all work out eventually.   Tonight should be fun too; going out again :-)

make it through

I have two tests tomorrow.  I just need to make it through and I’ll have some time over the weekend.  I have another big test Monday so there isn’t much relief, but then I’m off the hook for a bit and I can collect myself.

I’ve been through worse.

note

She left a note.

Se hace camino al andar.

Which translates to:

The road is made by walking.

or,

You make the way as you go.

hard to imagine

The last few weeks have gone by very quickly.  I ended up getting sick two weeks ago, and I’ve been pretty busy studying.  Things are just settling into place I guess.  I like hanging out with all of the people in my class.  One of the things that I’ve found it hard to do is find time for old friends.  I really miss them, and I don’t really have any excuses.  I’m just busy and need to find time.  I do like when I do get to talk to them though.

I’m not really sure where everything is going at this point.  I have an idea in my head but I’m not sure that it is going to work out.  We’ll see… I won’t know for awhile.

On another note it is looking more and more like another Florida bowl game for Iowa.  If they can pull off the win next week I’d be excited to go to the Rose Bowl, but the brick wall in front of them is pretty big.  I think the Capitol One Bowl is the best shot.  In any case the trip will be fun, and a much deserved break from school.

I think it is bedtime.

test(ed)

I have four exams this week.  A week ago I was afraid of it; but once I just convinced myself that it is how it is going to be I’ve been able to come to terms about it.  No point on worrying about having four; I have to take them no matter what.  I get rewarded by the Iowa/Michigan game at the end of the week!  If it doesn’t work out it could be worse… I could be a cyclone.

My second molars are rhomboidal.  If only they were heart-shaped.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Studying teeth!  That is how I am spending my night.  I am getting a few mixed up, but hopefully I can work those problems out.  I’m taking a short break.  I am very tired though; I don’t know how long I’ll be able to study.

Next week is going to be a lot of work.  I have four tests!  This week I have two, but they aren’t as bad.  I really need to get my studying done this week, and I think I’ll be able to do it successfully.

This weekend was fun.  I went to Mission of Mercy to help out; I felt like it was a wonderful experience for me.  I learned a lot, and saw some of what we were talking about in ethics class.  It was interesting.  Later I went to watch the football game with Ben.  I think he had a wonderful time; we also celebrated his birthday.  His girlfriend probably hates me!  He had a good time though ;-).

I’m trying to decide if I want to buy Packers tickets for when they play in Chicago.  They’re expensive :-/ and I also bought 3EB tickets for November.  I would love to go to the football game, but I don’t know if it is worth it to spend THAT much money to go.  Especially if Iowa goes bowling; I’ll probably want to do that and I won’t have enough money to do both.

Alright I need to get back to studying so I can turn in early.  Hopefully I can keep my head on straight for the next two weeks.

asprin

I see this poster at the library everyday and I feel like it is me.  Someday the mask will come off.

cookie monster

Someone at the rest of my cookie.  I’m sad.  I was going to have that for dessert tonight.  My birthdays always suck.  I don’t even get to eat my own cookie.

To state the obvious tomorrow is Friday.  I did well on my test this week.  I should have done better, but I can do that next time.  I’m going to go study because I have nothing else to do.

Darn cookie. :-(

time to write

I’ve had a very stressful last few weeks.  I maybe came a little too full circle.  I’m beginning to wonder if I made the “right” decision with respect to where I’m headed in life.  I just don’t feel like I am my own person.  Maybe I’m not aggressive enough socially; or maybe I care too much about others.  I know it is what you put into things that matters, and that you can’t control what others give back.

My birthday was kind of fun except for a few things.  I had a HUGE fight with my girlfriend.  I’m not really happy with her now.  We’ll leave it at that.  I’ve started to wonder if I need more time to grow alone as a person.  Things are hard now.  I miss my old friends that have moved on with their lives.  I try to be friendly, but I just don’t feel like other people like me.

I’m just doubting a lot of things in my life right now. :-/  Time will sort it all out, and it might get worse before it gets better.

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

engineering

I finally miss it.  On the walk home I realized I was a graduate.  I’m no longer in the college.  I miss all the people the most.  The late nights staying there working on our wind turbine; then going to Vitos for a good time afterwards.

I ran into Andy there the other day.  I miss hanging out with him.  He is a great guy.  I feel like I’ve been torn between friends.  I feel like I am struggling to make new ones; as always.  I just feel like I can’t let go of my old ones.  I love the people I was with the last four years too much.  I would drop anything for any of them.  They’re the greatest.

I think I finally hit that moment where I miss it.  The moment came sooner after high school, and in a different way.  Now I just feel like well everyone moved on.  I’m not ready to move on.  I am glad I’m where I landed, and it is what I want to do.  I just didn’t take advantage of my first few years in college.  The last year has been the best year of my life.  No doubt.  A year ago from this coming Saturday kicked it off.  I went to Pittsburgh, Chicago for the first time since I was young, Memphis, and Mexico.  I traveled more than ever.  I also took advantage of the most opportunities.  I coached two sports; I worked as a TA, and I was a summer camp counselor.  The last one was a life long dream, and it happened.  It is going to be tough to top all of this; I lived the best year of my life.  I shouldn’t expect anything less this next coming year, but I think my goals are different.

I only missed one question on my test today.  :-) I guess my new strategy is working.  Three tests next week :-D.  Bring them on.

lunch

It is lunchtime.  I am done with my third test of the year.  I think I need to come up with a new studying pattern.  I’m just getting into things, and I’m not doing poorly but I am missing a few more problems than I would like.  Today I mixed up two amino acids and they were present in two questions.  Other than that I think the test went okay.  We shall see though.

I’m enjoying most of the work in the labs.  I am going in this afternoon to work on waxing a tooth.  I think it will come in handy for the next lab practical.  I still have to study for my test Friday and complete an assignment for tomorrow tonight.  Maybe I can change a habit or two for Friday and see how it works out.  I don’t feel the need to ace exams, but I want to do a little bit better.

one week

It has been one week since I started school again.  I don’t like the mornings, but I love working with my hands all afternoon.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to get enough of it.  It is very fun to make teeth; even if I’m just using wax right now.  I think the school part of it is going to kick my butt, but I think that I’ll get through it.  My first test wasn’t GREAT but I did well enough to make myself feel as if I can do better.  I know I can.  I’m going to try to study a lot more this week and keep on top of things.  I made a friend that is willing to study at least some of the nights with me.  She is really nice.

The picture above is from postsecret.  I have that same feeling!  I don’t like talking to people about it.  I’m glad I have it.

I feel like I had more to write, but I don’t really feel like writing it now.  Funny how that always seems to happen!

secrets

I went to the PostSecret.com talk today.  I’m glad I went.  I wish I had known about the website earlier.  Back when things were harder.

There was a point in the conversation where he stated that 90 of the people in the room would think about suicide in the next year, and 24 would attempt it.  Then he went on to say that we needed to help these people; if we were a friend to make sure that they didn’t have any strong prescription drugs in their room.  I feel the need to share my secret now.  I was one of those kids.  I never mentioned it directly in my blog, but if one goes back and reads it I’m sure that it would be clear.

http://jarodj.blogspot.com/2008/06/bottom-of-barrel.html

I had some leftover from when I had my wisdom teeth removed.  I was ashamed of it, but now I’m willing to admit what happened.  It wasn’t the most pleasant thing to do to my body, but no one was there to tell me it was wrong.  People knew about it but did nothing.  I ran out and that was the end of it.

I have a lighter secret I want to share as well.  I didn’t stand up in front of the crowd to share tonight because I will probably put them on postcards and send in.

Every time I see a Ford Taurus I look to see if it is you.

I should have studied instead of writing this tonight, but I felt guilty not coming clean.

baby i’m not the one

I get the raw end of the deal every time.  I’m set up to fail.  My past always comes back to get in the way.  I was so happy.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to that point.  I am happy with my life right now, but I’m not happy with my relationship.  Someday I’ll be happy with both.  I don’t think that is going to happen for awhile.  I don’t go out and get what I want.  I’m too intimidated.  I just can’t get past what happens in this world.  I can’t be that bad.

I don’t want to wait until the dust settles from what others do, but I’m afraid that might be what happens.  At least I haven’t cried in awhile.

one more day!

Orientation is almost over.  I start class Monday!  I’m excited.  I’ve met a lot of cool people.  I think it is going to be really hard to keep in touch with old friends; I’m doing my best.  I need to run out and get a webcam for skype.  I have a microphone but I think they want to see me.

I’ve been very exhausted the last few days.  I miss my naps.  Hopefully when school starts I’ll be used to not napping.  I think I’ll take one tomorrow.  It might also be that I sit in the same lecture hall all day.  Who knows.

3EB – Why Can’t You Be

Are you frightened by the weight you possess or-
Is this life just weightlessness?
Smoggy twilight in LA,
I can't think of one real thing to say.
And Robbie Williams is walking in the canyons,
Forgets that we were friends.
I guess it all depends on your mood.
Why can't these meds be any damn good?
And she said-
Why can't you be
Like my waterpik shower massager?
A sweet reliable machine.
And to tell the truth I don't feel less alone,
A water massager's the purest love I've ever known.
Why can't you be like when i was thirteen?
Why can't you be like a art house foreign movie,
Frank and sexy, red balloons, and ennui? And a loof to me and,
Why can't you be a little more of a mystery?
Why can't you be the part of me that's missing?
Instead of leaving me for some other,
Said we're perfect for each other,
And I know we won't go spend our lives alone.
Why can't you be like an outsourced government contract?
I'm a fat cat getting away with anything.
Kicking some secret special powers,
Illumination rounds in showers.
Cause you're tearing your hair out.
Well we can have better flowers.
Why can't you be like the chicks out on the road?
Some girls are happy just to see me.
Cause you've got moxie and a broken nose.
Take them away from this prose.
Sometimes a blowjobs not enough.
Why cant you play-a little less rough?
Why can't you be the part of me that's missing?
Instead of leaving me for some other,
Said we're perfect for each other,
And I know we won't go spend our lives alone.
Can we, just leave it be?
And we can live, our lives, separately?
Could you forget-what happens to you-you and me?
When we're dead-and we'll be dead-we'll have eternity.
And I will spend it all- missing you-seeing you with me.
So all of a life.
I will always be.
Why can't you be thinking a little deeper into me?
Like JD Salinger.
Why do i challenge her,
In all these surface ways that you displease?
Why can't you be a little more at ease?
Why can't you be like a hand rolled cigarette? I'm not joking-
This masochistic self pity of smoking and this silly ditty...
I keep provoking you to leave me...
And she said-
Why can't you be,
Like a candle I can snuff?
You're still a diamond in the rough-
And I swear to God-
I've had enough.
How can I,
Call your bluff?

all we have is who we are

Welcome home.  I’m finally back from all my vacationing and camp stuff.  I am frustrated for many reasons.

My vacations were fun.  Memphis with Upward Bound was amazing.  The kids had a ton of fun, and I learned a lot on the trip.  I’m glad that I was selected to go.  If I could do it again I would.  Dental School won’t really allow for me to work as a counselor.  I might apply to teach, but I don’t know how far that will go.

I also went to Puerto Vallarta.  It was my big trip before I begin the next part of my life.  I felt like I just needed to go enjoy myself.  In a way it was deserved.  Kind of an end cap to the best year of my life.  I finally got off my butt and did something.  Not quite a “Yes-man” but a positive improvement.

I am on lunch from orientation right now.  It kind of surprises me how many people are married.  It kind of sucks.  I wonder if I’ll find anyone I can marry.  :-/  I have some personal barriers I have to get through first; I’m sure those will take a few years to overcome, but maybe by then my mind will be more clear.

I’m going to get back to lunch!  Maybe this afternoon I can clean and get my life together.

happy birthday?

We had a talk last night and it didn’t seem to help.  I don’t like being told that I need to give her more stuff. I made stuff for her the whole time I was at camp.  I made a keychain, two different bracelets, and a bear.  Kind of insulting.  I wish someone appreciated me; maybe I’m doing something wrong.  Blarg.

Regina Spektor – The Call

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before
All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

camp is over

Camp is finally done.  I had a lot of fun doing it.  I’m very frustrated with my girlfriend.  I just need to get this out.  She is just being a princess lately and I’m about to explode because I can’t deal with it.  I don’t want to have to baby someone all the time.  That isn’t me.  I cannot explain how bad it has been since I finished.  You’d think I’d be the one getting special attention now that I’m done with my 24/7 job.  It is just sick.

On top of that; (this really bothers me) I still haven’t received what I was promised for my birthday.  It has been almost a year, and I’m expected to worship the ground she walks on for her birthday?  I just don’t get it.  I don’t feel like this relationship is 50/50.  I usually do more, but it is way to extreme now.  I feel like I’m being taken advantage of sometimes.

how she felt

I was cleaning up my hard drive for a friend to borrow and I came across some interesting material. My ex-girlfriend used my old computer, and I used the same hard drive I was cleaning to move her files to her own computer. I never really got the urge to look through the material until last night. I don't know if I was afraid of what I'd find, I had too much respect, or if I just didn't care.

Point being I just took a quick glance and saw something interesting. She started a book; or a book outline. I'm not quite sure. I read it. I have mixed feelings about it. What I take from it is that I made the right decision. She had a wandering eye. I don't know the particulars about it and I doubt I will ever find out. I just know that this made me feel cheated. I felt as if I loved a person more than she will ever realize, and that I wasn't really loved back. I was just a stepping stone; or a place holder for the next step. It just seems after reading this last night all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Her actions during the time when we were no longer together just make sense.

I have to say it hurts; having a feeling that I know someone didn't love me the way I thought, but at least I have a better idea of the truth. I'm glad I found this; it sort of brings more closure for me. I don't know why I didn't come across it earlier, but I think if I would have found it earlier it would have carried a different meaning. Lastly, I remember a quote I heard; "The truth is neither mean nor evil; it's just the truth."

Here is the start of the book. In case you were wondering.

Chapter 1
“I think I could fall madly in bed with you.”
-Author Unknown

She fell, and she fell hard. She just didn’t know then how much he would change things without him even knowing about it.

Anna glanced over her shoulder to steal a peek at him in the back of the room… again. It was her third week of a new internship, and she was sitting in “Valves 101,” a training class her boss signed her up for. All of a sudden she knew that a week of in-depth valve information was going to be alright. Her reason happened to be wearing pleated khakis and a spring green button down shirt – she guessed it was Express after careful scientific observation. He was gorgeous. The kind of guy that made her wish she and Jacob had a bit less exclusiveness in their five year, one hundred percent exclusive relationship.

Monday morning’s class began at 8:00 with introductions. Anna waited for her turn. Her heart rate had picked up a few beats per minute, like normal for any public speaking, but as a twenty-one-year-old college woman among sixteen older men she didn’t mind their attention as much. There was Ben from New Hampshire, Brian from Texas, Jon from Hawaii, Rohit from Seattle, and then Caleb from Marshalltown sitting right next to her. After he finished introducing himself, Anna turned in her chair so that the teacher and the other fifteen members of the class were able to see her. She had always been a bit self-conscious about how she sounded, so she made sure her voice was light and girly as she addressed the men, “Hi, I’m Anna and I’m a co-op here in Marshalltown; I’m a Chemical Engineer from Iowa State University.” She took notice of thirty-two approving eyes taking her in as she spoke. Mr. Gorgeous was second to last and she waited impatiently to hear him talk. Damn, he was cute. When he spoke his voice was deep and warm and friendly and made butterflies pop into her stomach. “I’m Ben Becker, and I just started here as a Sales Engineer.” Ben Becker – his name was even hot. Ben Becker… where had she heard that name before? It came to her almost instantly – Anna organized a team for a YMCA volleyball league and a teammate had asked if a new co-worker, Ben Becker, could join. A satisfied smile fitted itself across Anna’s face. Now not only did she have a reason to talk him, they had guaranteed time together as well.

The morning dragged on. Anna tuned out and drummed her fingers on the table until Caleb gave her a glance. She froze in mid finger roll and gave Caleb an apologetic smile. He smiled back, genuine, down-to-earth, straight-toothed. He was not bad-looking himself. Anna thought about a book she wanted to write. Every so often she got filled up with words and sentences that swirled around inside her head, itching to get out. Anna was a pretty engineer that aspired to write a novel. What a contradiction of the stereotypes.

whew

So donating plasma makes you a cheap date!  I am drinking lots of water; I’ll probably take a long nap tomorrow.  I feel like I should probably move on.  I don’t really feel like things are going the way I want them to.  I want someone who wants me as much as I want them.  I just don’t feel comfortable with someone that demands that I do what she wants me to.

I forgot to mention I got another email from the company I got a job offer from saying that they’re still interested.  That made me feel wanted.  I just don’t feel like anyone really WANTS me.  I have been having a lot of fun going out with my friends, but no one really wants to be with me.  I don’t want to settle either.  I want to genuinely feel it both ways.  I haven’t really realized how hard that is until recently.  I guess I just had it so good in high school.  Welcome to the real world.  Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t.  I just don't’ really feel like anything is out there.

It is almost three; I should get to bed.  I hope that tomorrow goes okay.

frustration

So I finally got a summer job offer, and I tell my girlfriend.  The first thing she says to me is, “Oh, you don’t want that.”  Kind of self centered.  I get harassed about not having a job, and then when I find one I get told what to do.  I’m kind of ticked about it.

I never tell anyone what they can and can’t do.  I never told my ex what to do when she was looking for an internship.  I let her take what came; even though it eventually led to our breakup.  I don’t regret it.  I’m sure she is happy with her decision, and that is really all that matters.

I am just frustrated.  I guess it is things like this that really upset me and get me going.  I’m going to look into everything and then decide what I want.

I donated plasma for the first time today.  It is pretty good money for just sitting there.  I wish I would have charged my ipod though.  It kind of died when I got to actually donating.  Oh well; next time.

sigh

i am typing one handed and eating a burrito.

 

i wish i knew what i wanted in life.

 

what a struggle.  maybe?  someone is out there?

 

i hope so.  life is not what it used to be.  the halves just swapped.

summer

yep; i can tell it is summer again.  monday night fun.  it was kind of dead downtown tonight.  i feel the same way i did last summer.  kind of not fun.  i guess it is time to just go with the flow… there isn’t really anything that i can have back at this point.  we can’t choose what we feel.

i look at myself and expect so much more; it is just too bad i can’t deliver.

updating my phone

It is really hot in my room.  I have the fan on and the window open.  I hope the storm comes soon.  Last night was nice waking up and smelling the rain and hearing the thunder.  It sounds like the bad part of the storm is north of us, but I think we’ll still get some.

I am trying to update my phone to a new version of Windows Mobile.  Hopefully it won’t get messed up!  I finally got my computer to recognize it; I had to reinstall Windows on another machine because mine is 64 bit and the update is only available for 32 bit windows.  I just want my phone to be updated for the new text message display mode.  It looks like it is going through!  We’ll see… I won’t be convinced until I see it.

Tomorrow is going to be a fun day.  It is one of my friend’s birthday.

New thought; I want to comment on how it feels no different to me to have a college degree.  I just finished my degree this past Spring, and I haven’t had that depressing moment like I had when I graduated from high school.  That moment when I realized that it was actually over.  I think part of it has to do with the fact that my degree was just a stepping stone; not really an end product in my education.  I’m not sure that I will have that moment.  All I know is that I’m really looking forward to making new friends this fall.  I’m just excited to be myself, and get close to people again.  Now that Matt is gone I don’t really have that friend that I can tell everything too.  I miss that a lot.  I just have hesitations about telling some of my friends my thoughts; not because I don’t trust them, but I just don’t feel close to them.  Obviously Matt is only a phone call away, and surely he’ll be back for Iowa games this fall.

My phone is done updating.  My contacts are gone; looks like I just need to hook back up the the exchange server.  Hopefully I didn’t lose it all!

throwback

Today was somewhat of a lazy Saturday.  I’ve had a little bit of a lazy summer.  It is well deserved.  I need to rest up before my life becomes all studying and no play.

I think I’m going to get to bed early this evening.  I’m glad it is cool out, and I am excited about the possibility of rain (even though I do need a nice sunny day).  I bought a patio set at a consignment shop and it has some rust on it that I need to paint over.  A nice sunny day would allow me to put a few coats on it.

I really want to get a plant for the porch as well.  It isn’t really necessary so I think I can hold off on it, but it sure would be nice.  I really enjoy eating out there in the sunny warm weather!

I got to thinking a bit today, and I wonder what my life would be like if I am who I am today starting back in high school.  I think I’m a lot more outgoing now than I was then.  I just don’t like having to cringe when I see people from high school.  For some reason I just feel like they all hate me; or are on another side.  I wish they’d see me for who I am now rather than who I was then.

I must go read for a bit and then peace out.  My eyes are getting tired!

summer

Summer has come.  I am kind of looking for a job, but not really.  I have one for a few hours.  I wish I got more there.  I’m currently keeping sane by working on a website.  It is a lot of work, but it has been a lot of fun.  It kind of sunk in when I purchased a domain and hosting for two years.  Chop chop.

Hopefully I’ll make that money back in ads, but if not whatever.  I’m just making it to be a use to people.  Once I get it done I’ll write more.  It is just under development.

I saw “UP” on Tuesday.  It was pretty amazing.  I was able to see it in 3D as well.  This summer has been a lot of fun so far.  I’ve been to Chicago, Kansas City (woot), and I’ll be going back to Kansas City soon, and North Carolina.  Maybe throw Canada in there too.

I’ve missed out on a few months of writing.  I don’t know if I will pick it back up or not.  It is just kind of late and it felt like the right thing to do.  I’m just kind of chilling through life right now.

I guess we can’t always have what we want; so we have to settle for the next best thing.

On a lighter note; I am a college graduate!  It isn’t as exciting to me as it would be if I wasn’t going back for four more years.  I have a degree, and if I weren’t going to school again I would have had a very nice job with a great company.

Time for me to peace out now; work at 8:00 tomorrow.

a passage

“There was a reason to it all,” she said.

“What reason?” he said.  “how could there be a reason? You died. You were forty-seven.  You were the best person any of us knew, and you died and you lost everything.  And i lost everything.  I lost the only woman I have ever loved.”

She took his hands.  “no you didn’t.  I was right here. And you loved me anyway.

“Lost love is still love, Eddie.  It takes a different form, that’s all.  You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hand or move them around a dance floor.  But when those sense weaken, another heightens.  Memory.  Memory becomes your partner.  You nurture it.  You hold it.  You dance with it.

“Life has to end,” she said. “love doesn’t.”

Eddie thought about the years after he buried his wife.  It was like looking over a fence.  He was aware of another kind of life out there, even as he knew he would never be a part of it.

“I never wanted anyone else,” he said quietly.

“I know,” she said.

“I was still in love with you.”

“I know.” She nodded.  “I felt it.”

“Here?” he asked.

“Even here,” she said smiling.  “That’s how strong lost love can be.”

I don't really have a good feeling in my stomach right now.

Probably the most down I've been in a long time.

chicago

I'm super excited to go to Chicago this weekend! I have to get some more items done for this week, but I thought I'd just drop in quick and share my excitement!

Hooray!

:-D

I'm super happy right now!

I really enjoyed this weekend; it was the best that has happened in awhile. I actually feel motivated and uplifted for this up and coming week.

I thought I had more to write about, but I don't. Funny how that happens sometimes.

meet the parents...

So I'm meeting her parents soon... eek! Wish me luck! I haven't really had to do this thing ever; it isn't like high school where you see them all the time. Her mom is excited to meet me too; I hope expectations aren't too high.

I guess I'll just try to be who I am and not say anything silly.

one year later

Graham Colton - Best Days

For a moment the unearthly stillness of the desert enveloped us.
Then Newman said, “My father once told me a story I always think of, when the going gets rough and things look hopeless. It’s about Destiny…. Destiny came down to an island, centuries ago, and summoned three of the inhabitants before him. ‘What would you do,’ asked Destiny, ‘if I told you that tomorrow this island will be completely inundated by an immense tidal wave?'’ The first man, who was a cynic, said, ‘Why, I would eat, drink, carouse and make love all night long!’ The second man, who was a mystic, said, ‘I would go to the sacred grove with my loved ones and make sacrifices to the gods and pray without ceasing.’ And the third man, who loved reason, thought for a while, confused and troubled, and said, ‘Why, I would assemble our wisest men and begin at once to study how to live under water.’ “I, too, never forgot that story. When our cause seems doomed and the future lost, when despair becomes unbearable and the heart is on the edge of breaking, let men summon hope and honor and high resolve in yet one more stubborn affirmation: Come, let us assemble our wisest men and begin at once to think, to study, to try to learn – even to learn, if we must, how to live under water.”


Leo Rosten, Captain Newman, M.D. (closing lines)

All it takes sometimes is a look into the mirror to see how far I've come.

seven cards

I guess I should do a Valentines Day update :-). It was good; long story, but Matt and I did well. We went to the jeweler's a long time ago together. I think Matt and I have become a lot closer lately; mainly due to our late Old Chicago runs and talking about our girls. Probably the only person in my life that knows everything and that I'm willing to tell everything too.

Anyways I got her a ring. She wasn't really expecting it; I told her I didn't spend much because I didn't have very much money (which was true at the time). Here I guess is how I gave it to her.



I wrote her night out on seven cards; each had a little rhyme in it saying what she'd do next. I think she liked it; probably more so what was on the cards than the cards themselves, but I'll mention a few of what they are.



Her ring was put inside the puzzle I got made; she loves puzzles so I had a picture of us from Florida put on one. She didn't see the ring until all the pieces were out. I truly think she would have been happy with the gift without the ring due to her expression, but I'm glad how excited she got about the ring after she found it.



Dinner was amazing; even though we had to wait a bit. I think we would have been fine but we went just after the basketball game got out. After we got back we watched a movie :-) and then went downtown to see one of her best friends for a bit.

The last few cards were fun; we had dessert and champagne, and then she got a nice candle lit bubble bath. I think she liked it. That was pretty much the night; she said it was perfect. I'm glad I could finally do something right!

I am glad things are going well with her. All her friends want to "borrow" me :-). I guess when you get to start over you get a new chance to show who you really are; finally I get to be taken for who I am now, and not who I was in my first few years of college.

deja vu?

I had a very interesting day. I got more of my prep work for the weekend done. That was good. I also took my mom the cookies that I baked the other day. I don't know what it is, but I am a little bothered by some of the occurrences that happen.

I need to talk to Matt about it; I just don't ever know what to think. One of the comments also kind of belittled me. It probably wasn't meant in the way that I interpreted it; maybe it was just something about the way it came out.

My night was wonderful though. I didn't get to talk to Steve today; which kind of bummed me out a bit. I could talk to him about my afternoon occurrence and see what he thinks. Maybe it is just something that I need to call out on and ask. I don't really want to get into anyone's bubble though; if they're happy then I'm happy.

Long day of TAing tomorrow so I should probably get some rest!

excitement!

I'm excited for the weekend! I actually can't really wait until this week is over. I'm ready to pamper my girl! I still haven't decided everything that is going down, but I've got some of the basics picked out; where to eat etc...

I'm like a little kid right now; except I'm excited to give. I enjoy being a good boyfriend, and Valentines Day gives me an excuse to spoil her even more ;-).

25

25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about me.


1. I still sleep with my teddy bear.
2. I am an Eagle Scout.
3. I tend to "overdo" it.
4. I have great friends from freshman year (Matt, Jen, Ben, and Nanci)!
5. I have never had braces, and I got my first cavity after I was admitted to Dental School.
6. For Christmas I asked for German knives; I love to bake and cook.
7. I drink way too much pop.
8. I would die if Chicken Fingers did not exist, and will probably die someday from eating too many of them.
9. I didn't start drinking until I was twenty one.
10. I was fortunate enough to be able to coach junior high kids this past fall; it was one of the best experiences of my life.
11. I still hold school records in track at the Junior High and High School that I attended.
12. I met one of my good friends Steve while playing video games online; I got to visit him for the first time this fall in Kansas City.
13. I've painted my chest for one basketball game each year I've been at college.
14. My favorite cookies are Oatmeal Raisin.
15. If I could change one thing about my body it would be my stomach.
16. I've had some pretty amazing jobs in the past year. They pay well and I've looked forward towards them everyday.
17. My favorite Disney character is Donald Duck.
18. My girlfriend got me hooked on Real World.
19. I have a tattoo of a bear on my side, and I love it.
20. When I grow up I want to have a Yellow Lab.
21. I love when it rains.
22. If I have my way my first car will be a Jeep Wrangler.
23. If I don't get married I am going to adopt kids.
24. I've learned to love again.
25. The past year of my life is best described by a quote by Douglass Adams, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I inteded to be."

I've been a little on edge lately. I had a disturbing dream earlier this week and it just bothers me. It sucks because it isn't fair to anyone, and you can't change how you feel. I won't go into details, but my girlfriend kissed someone else in my dream. I wish I could just put things behind me, but there really isn't anything I can do.

I haven't ever really been the most secure person. I've been told I'm cute, but not that often because of the circumstances. I'm just worrying a lot lately and I shouldn't be. I'm afraid things will just happen all over again. It has almost been a year.

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.

-Rotarian

I don't understand it, but she just sent me a text message and it makes me feel a lot better about this. She knows I worry about it too; I just don't think she knows how much.

all that we could be

Aw. I miss someone.

I had a lot of fun today, but I am worn out. The next two days won't be that bad, but I still have to get up early tomorrow.

I'm struggling with emotions that I have never felt before right now. I don't really know how to deal with them... at all. I am at this place in my life where I couldn't really ask for much more. Yes; I'd like to have a few more close friends, but that is about it. There is just this one thing that is bothering me and it isn't anything that I can ask for to change. It is just a feeling that I have right now.

I'm sure time will sort things out for me, but I'm not sure that is something I have right now.

I try to believe like I believed when I was five... when your heart tells you everything you need to know.

-Lucy Liu

comfort food

I didn't sleep well last night so I ended up sleeping all day today. I woke up at 4:00 wondering what happened. I have a few things I need to get done; I started on them but there are some items that I just can't stop thinking about.

I just had one of those moments where someone says something to you that really sticks out, and then you just run over it again and again in your mind wondering what one meant by it. It is bugging me right now.

I really don't know where my life is headed right now. All I am sure of is that I'm going to graduate in May and begin Dental School in August. I'm really excited for those two opportunities in my life. Sometimes I just need to look back at where I was months ago and see how far I have made it.

Finally! I am extremly happy with the last few days. I got my girl back ;-). She made me Swedish pancakes when I woke up this morning. They were really good; I was very impressed. I didn't even mention that we went back to where I took her for our first date Sunday. I'm glad she shows an interest in showing me things (like her pancakes). She also brought some items back from Chicago for me to have with her. I'm looking forward towards them.

Tonight was amazing. I took a nap after I got back from her place this morning and then made food all afternoon. I got to use my new knives for the first time, and my pie turned out really well. I forgot to take a picture before we dove into it, but I put one up of it. I don't know what it is but I love cooking and baking so much. It makes me happy that she likes my cooking and especially my desserts.

Cuddling was good too (even though she stole my teddy bear; rawr).

one of those days

I am very frustrated right now.

I just felt like I was picked on a lot today. I'm not happy about it either. Sometimes you just have enough and you're ready to be done with it. What happened last night doesn't really help either.

I just suck at the whole self confidence thing. It was kind of weird; last night was the first time that someone actually checked me out at a bar. I felt special, but it really made me miss my girlfriend. I have two more days to go until she gets back. I think I miss her more than she misses me. I have never really missed anyone like I miss her; it really sucks.

I know the picking on me is all fun and games, but it just went to far today. I was actually looking forward to talking to her, but then everything I said got thrown back at me. Normally it is fine because it isn't everything I say, but today it really hurt me.

back from tampa

I got back from my mini-vacation to Tampa. It was the most amazing trip I've taken in awhile. I was surrounded by wonderful people, and I got to know some of them a little better.

I got to hang out with my girlfriend for a bit, and she made my New Year's the best ever. I'm lucky to have her. I wish we could have had more time together down there; I can't wait until she gets back!