one week

It has been one week since I started school again.  I don’t like the mornings, but I love working with my hands all afternoon.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to get enough of it.  It is very fun to make teeth; even if I’m just using wax right now.  I think the school part of it is going to kick my butt, but I think that I’ll get through it.  My first test wasn’t GREAT but I did well enough to make myself feel as if I can do better.  I know I can.  I’m going to try to study a lot more this week and keep on top of things.  I made a friend that is willing to study at least some of the nights with me.  She is really nice.

The picture above is from postsecret.  I have that same feeling!  I don’t like talking to people about it.  I’m glad I have it.

I feel like I had more to write, but I don’t really feel like writing it now.  Funny how that always seems to happen!

secrets

I went to the PostSecret.com talk today.  I’m glad I went.  I wish I had known about the website earlier.  Back when things were harder.

There was a point in the conversation where he stated that 90 of the people in the room would think about suicide in the next year, and 24 would attempt it.  Then he went on to say that we needed to help these people; if we were a friend to make sure that they didn’t have any strong prescription drugs in their room.  I feel the need to share my secret now.  I was one of those kids.  I never mentioned it directly in my blog, but if one goes back and reads it I’m sure that it would be clear.

http://jarodj.blogspot.com/2008/06/bottom-of-barrel.html

I had some leftover from when I had my wisdom teeth removed.  I was ashamed of it, but now I’m willing to admit what happened.  It wasn’t the most pleasant thing to do to my body, but no one was there to tell me it was wrong.  People knew about it but did nothing.  I ran out and that was the end of it.

I have a lighter secret I want to share as well.  I didn’t stand up in front of the crowd to share tonight because I will probably put them on postcards and send in.

Every time I see a Ford Taurus I look to see if it is you.

I should have studied instead of writing this tonight, but I felt guilty not coming clean.

baby i’m not the one

I get the raw end of the deal every time.  I’m set up to fail.  My past always comes back to get in the way.  I was so happy.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to that point.  I am happy with my life right now, but I’m not happy with my relationship.  Someday I’ll be happy with both.  I don’t think that is going to happen for awhile.  I don’t go out and get what I want.  I’m too intimidated.  I just can’t get past what happens in this world.  I can’t be that bad.

I don’t want to wait until the dust settles from what others do, but I’m afraid that might be what happens.  At least I haven’t cried in awhile.

one more day!

Orientation is almost over.  I start class Monday!  I’m excited.  I’ve met a lot of cool people.  I think it is going to be really hard to keep in touch with old friends; I’m doing my best.  I need to run out and get a webcam for skype.  I have a microphone but I think they want to see me.

I’ve been very exhausted the last few days.  I miss my naps.  Hopefully when school starts I’ll be used to not napping.  I think I’ll take one tomorrow.  It might also be that I sit in the same lecture hall all day.  Who knows.

3EB – Why Can’t You Be

Are you frightened by the weight you possess or-
Is this life just weightlessness?
Smoggy twilight in LA,
I can't think of one real thing to say.
And Robbie Williams is walking in the canyons,
Forgets that we were friends.
I guess it all depends on your mood.
Why can't these meds be any damn good?
And she said-
Why can't you be
Like my waterpik shower massager?
A sweet reliable machine.
And to tell the truth I don't feel less alone,
A water massager's the purest love I've ever known.
Why can't you be like when i was thirteen?
Why can't you be like a art house foreign movie,
Frank and sexy, red balloons, and ennui? And a loof to me and,
Why can't you be a little more of a mystery?
Why can't you be the part of me that's missing?
Instead of leaving me for some other,
Said we're perfect for each other,
And I know we won't go spend our lives alone.
Why can't you be like an outsourced government contract?
I'm a fat cat getting away with anything.
Kicking some secret special powers,
Illumination rounds in showers.
Cause you're tearing your hair out.
Well we can have better flowers.
Why can't you be like the chicks out on the road?
Some girls are happy just to see me.
Cause you've got moxie and a broken nose.
Take them away from this prose.
Sometimes a blowjobs not enough.
Why cant you play-a little less rough?
Why can't you be the part of me that's missing?
Instead of leaving me for some other,
Said we're perfect for each other,
And I know we won't go spend our lives alone.
Can we, just leave it be?
And we can live, our lives, separately?
Could you forget-what happens to you-you and me?
When we're dead-and we'll be dead-we'll have eternity.
And I will spend it all- missing you-seeing you with me.
So all of a life.
I will always be.
Why can't you be thinking a little deeper into me?
Like JD Salinger.
Why do i challenge her,
In all these surface ways that you displease?
Why can't you be a little more at ease?
Why can't you be like a hand rolled cigarette? I'm not joking-
This masochistic self pity of smoking and this silly ditty...
I keep provoking you to leave me...
And she said-
Why can't you be,
Like a candle I can snuff?
You're still a diamond in the rough-
And I swear to God-
I've had enough.
How can I,
Call your bluff?

all we have is who we are

Welcome home.  I’m finally back from all my vacationing and camp stuff.  I am frustrated for many reasons.

My vacations were fun.  Memphis with Upward Bound was amazing.  The kids had a ton of fun, and I learned a lot on the trip.  I’m glad that I was selected to go.  If I could do it again I would.  Dental School won’t really allow for me to work as a counselor.  I might apply to teach, but I don’t know how far that will go.

I also went to Puerto Vallarta.  It was my big trip before I begin the next part of my life.  I felt like I just needed to go enjoy myself.  In a way it was deserved.  Kind of an end cap to the best year of my life.  I finally got off my butt and did something.  Not quite a “Yes-man” but a positive improvement.

I am on lunch from orientation right now.  It kind of surprises me how many people are married.  It kind of sucks.  I wonder if I’ll find anyone I can marry.  :-/  I have some personal barriers I have to get through first; I’m sure those will take a few years to overcome, but maybe by then my mind will be more clear.

I’m going to get back to lunch!  Maybe this afternoon I can clean and get my life together.