happy birthday?

We had a talk last night and it didn’t seem to help.  I don’t like being told that I need to give her more stuff. I made stuff for her the whole time I was at camp.  I made a keychain, two different bracelets, and a bear.  Kind of insulting.  I wish someone appreciated me; maybe I’m doing something wrong.  Blarg.

Regina Spektor – The Call

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before
All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

camp is over

Camp is finally done.  I had a lot of fun doing it.  I’m very frustrated with my girlfriend.  I just need to get this out.  She is just being a princess lately and I’m about to explode because I can’t deal with it.  I don’t want to have to baby someone all the time.  That isn’t me.  I cannot explain how bad it has been since I finished.  You’d think I’d be the one getting special attention now that I’m done with my 24/7 job.  It is just sick.

On top of that; (this really bothers me) I still haven’t received what I was promised for my birthday.  It has been almost a year, and I’m expected to worship the ground she walks on for her birthday?  I just don’t get it.  I don’t feel like this relationship is 50/50.  I usually do more, but it is way to extreme now.  I feel like I’m being taken advantage of sometimes.

how she felt

I was cleaning up my hard drive for a friend to borrow and I came across some interesting material. My ex-girlfriend used my old computer, and I used the same hard drive I was cleaning to move her files to her own computer. I never really got the urge to look through the material until last night. I don't know if I was afraid of what I'd find, I had too much respect, or if I just didn't care.

Point being I just took a quick glance and saw something interesting. She started a book; or a book outline. I'm not quite sure. I read it. I have mixed feelings about it. What I take from it is that I made the right decision. She had a wandering eye. I don't know the particulars about it and I doubt I will ever find out. I just know that this made me feel cheated. I felt as if I loved a person more than she will ever realize, and that I wasn't really loved back. I was just a stepping stone; or a place holder for the next step. It just seems after reading this last night all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Her actions during the time when we were no longer together just make sense.

I have to say it hurts; having a feeling that I know someone didn't love me the way I thought, but at least I have a better idea of the truth. I'm glad I found this; it sort of brings more closure for me. I don't know why I didn't come across it earlier, but I think if I would have found it earlier it would have carried a different meaning. Lastly, I remember a quote I heard; "The truth is neither mean nor evil; it's just the truth."

Here is the start of the book. In case you were wondering.

Chapter 1
“I think I could fall madly in bed with you.”
-Author Unknown

She fell, and she fell hard. She just didn’t know then how much he would change things without him even knowing about it.

Anna glanced over her shoulder to steal a peek at him in the back of the room… again. It was her third week of a new internship, and she was sitting in “Valves 101,” a training class her boss signed her up for. All of a sudden she knew that a week of in-depth valve information was going to be alright. Her reason happened to be wearing pleated khakis and a spring green button down shirt – she guessed it was Express after careful scientific observation. He was gorgeous. The kind of guy that made her wish she and Jacob had a bit less exclusiveness in their five year, one hundred percent exclusive relationship.

Monday morning’s class began at 8:00 with introductions. Anna waited for her turn. Her heart rate had picked up a few beats per minute, like normal for any public speaking, but as a twenty-one-year-old college woman among sixteen older men she didn’t mind their attention as much. There was Ben from New Hampshire, Brian from Texas, Jon from Hawaii, Rohit from Seattle, and then Caleb from Marshalltown sitting right next to her. After he finished introducing himself, Anna turned in her chair so that the teacher and the other fifteen members of the class were able to see her. She had always been a bit self-conscious about how she sounded, so she made sure her voice was light and girly as she addressed the men, “Hi, I’m Anna and I’m a co-op here in Marshalltown; I’m a Chemical Engineer from Iowa State University.” She took notice of thirty-two approving eyes taking her in as she spoke. Mr. Gorgeous was second to last and she waited impatiently to hear him talk. Damn, he was cute. When he spoke his voice was deep and warm and friendly and made butterflies pop into her stomach. “I’m Ben Becker, and I just started here as a Sales Engineer.” Ben Becker – his name was even hot. Ben Becker… where had she heard that name before? It came to her almost instantly – Anna organized a team for a YMCA volleyball league and a teammate had asked if a new co-worker, Ben Becker, could join. A satisfied smile fitted itself across Anna’s face. Now not only did she have a reason to talk him, they had guaranteed time together as well.

The morning dragged on. Anna tuned out and drummed her fingers on the table until Caleb gave her a glance. She froze in mid finger roll and gave Caleb an apologetic smile. He smiled back, genuine, down-to-earth, straight-toothed. He was not bad-looking himself. Anna thought about a book she wanted to write. Every so often she got filled up with words and sentences that swirled around inside her head, itching to get out. Anna was a pretty engineer that aspired to write a novel. What a contradiction of the stereotypes.

whew

So donating plasma makes you a cheap date!  I am drinking lots of water; I’ll probably take a long nap tomorrow.  I feel like I should probably move on.  I don’t really feel like things are going the way I want them to.  I want someone who wants me as much as I want them.  I just don’t feel comfortable with someone that demands that I do what she wants me to.

I forgot to mention I got another email from the company I got a job offer from saying that they’re still interested.  That made me feel wanted.  I just don’t feel like anyone really WANTS me.  I have been having a lot of fun going out with my friends, but no one really wants to be with me.  I don’t want to settle either.  I want to genuinely feel it both ways.  I haven’t really realized how hard that is until recently.  I guess I just had it so good in high school.  Welcome to the real world.  Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t.  I just don't’ really feel like anything is out there.

It is almost three; I should get to bed.  I hope that tomorrow goes okay.

frustration

So I finally got a summer job offer, and I tell my girlfriend.  The first thing she says to me is, “Oh, you don’t want that.”  Kind of self centered.  I get harassed about not having a job, and then when I find one I get told what to do.  I’m kind of ticked about it.

I never tell anyone what they can and can’t do.  I never told my ex what to do when she was looking for an internship.  I let her take what came; even though it eventually led to our breakup.  I don’t regret it.  I’m sure she is happy with her decision, and that is really all that matters.

I am just frustrated.  I guess it is things like this that really upset me and get me going.  I’m going to look into everything and then decide what I want.

I donated plasma for the first time today.  It is pretty good money for just sitting there.  I wish I would have charged my ipod though.  It kind of died when I got to actually donating.  Oh well; next time.

sigh

i am typing one handed and eating a burrito.

 

i wish i knew what i wanted in life.

 

what a struggle.  maybe?  someone is out there?

 

i hope so.  life is not what it used to be.  the halves just swapped.

summer

yep; i can tell it is summer again.  monday night fun.  it was kind of dead downtown tonight.  i feel the same way i did last summer.  kind of not fun.  i guess it is time to just go with the flow… there isn’t really anything that i can have back at this point.  we can’t choose what we feel.

i look at myself and expect so much more; it is just too bad i can’t deliver.