whew

So donating plasma makes you a cheap date!  I am drinking lots of water; I’ll probably take a long nap tomorrow.  I feel like I should probably move on.  I don’t really feel like things are going the way I want them to.  I want someone who wants me as much as I want them.  I just don’t feel comfortable with someone that demands that I do what she wants me to.

I forgot to mention I got another email from the company I got a job offer from saying that they’re still interested.  That made me feel wanted.  I just don’t feel like anyone really WANTS me.  I have been having a lot of fun going out with my friends, but no one really wants to be with me.  I don’t want to settle either.  I want to genuinely feel it both ways.  I haven’t really realized how hard that is until recently.  I guess I just had it so good in high school.  Welcome to the real world.  Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t.  I just don't’ really feel like anything is out there.

It is almost three; I should get to bed.  I hope that tomorrow goes okay.

frustration

So I finally got a summer job offer, and I tell my girlfriend.  The first thing she says to me is, “Oh, you don’t want that.”  Kind of self centered.  I get harassed about not having a job, and then when I find one I get told what to do.  I’m kind of ticked about it.

I never tell anyone what they can and can’t do.  I never told my ex what to do when she was looking for an internship.  I let her take what came; even though it eventually led to our breakup.  I don’t regret it.  I’m sure she is happy with her decision, and that is really all that matters.

I am just frustrated.  I guess it is things like this that really upset me and get me going.  I’m going to look into everything and then decide what I want.

I donated plasma for the first time today.  It is pretty good money for just sitting there.  I wish I would have charged my ipod though.  It kind of died when I got to actually donating.  Oh well; next time.

sigh

i am typing one handed and eating a burrito.

 

i wish i knew what i wanted in life.

 

what a struggle.  maybe?  someone is out there?

 

i hope so.  life is not what it used to be.  the halves just swapped.

summer

yep; i can tell it is summer again.  monday night fun.  it was kind of dead downtown tonight.  i feel the same way i did last summer.  kind of not fun.  i guess it is time to just go with the flow… there isn’t really anything that i can have back at this point.  we can’t choose what we feel.

i look at myself and expect so much more; it is just too bad i can’t deliver.

updating my phone

It is really hot in my room.  I have the fan on and the window open.  I hope the storm comes soon.  Last night was nice waking up and smelling the rain and hearing the thunder.  It sounds like the bad part of the storm is north of us, but I think we’ll still get some.

I am trying to update my phone to a new version of Windows Mobile.  Hopefully it won’t get messed up!  I finally got my computer to recognize it; I had to reinstall Windows on another machine because mine is 64 bit and the update is only available for 32 bit windows.  I just want my phone to be updated for the new text message display mode.  It looks like it is going through!  We’ll see… I won’t be convinced until I see it.

Tomorrow is going to be a fun day.  It is one of my friend’s birthday.

New thought; I want to comment on how it feels no different to me to have a college degree.  I just finished my degree this past Spring, and I haven’t had that depressing moment like I had when I graduated from high school.  That moment when I realized that it was actually over.  I think part of it has to do with the fact that my degree was just a stepping stone; not really an end product in my education.  I’m not sure that I will have that moment.  All I know is that I’m really looking forward to making new friends this fall.  I’m just excited to be myself, and get close to people again.  Now that Matt is gone I don’t really have that friend that I can tell everything too.  I miss that a lot.  I just have hesitations about telling some of my friends my thoughts; not because I don’t trust them, but I just don’t feel close to them.  Obviously Matt is only a phone call away, and surely he’ll be back for Iowa games this fall.

My phone is done updating.  My contacts are gone; looks like I just need to hook back up the the exchange server.  Hopefully I didn’t lose it all!

throwback

Today was somewhat of a lazy Saturday.  I’ve had a little bit of a lazy summer.  It is well deserved.  I need to rest up before my life becomes all studying and no play.

I think I’m going to get to bed early this evening.  I’m glad it is cool out, and I am excited about the possibility of rain (even though I do need a nice sunny day).  I bought a patio set at a consignment shop and it has some rust on it that I need to paint over.  A nice sunny day would allow me to put a few coats on it.

I really want to get a plant for the porch as well.  It isn’t really necessary so I think I can hold off on it, but it sure would be nice.  I really enjoy eating out there in the sunny warm weather!

I got to thinking a bit today, and I wonder what my life would be like if I am who I am today starting back in high school.  I think I’m a lot more outgoing now than I was then.  I just don’t like having to cringe when I see people from high school.  For some reason I just feel like they all hate me; or are on another side.  I wish they’d see me for who I am now rather than who I was then.

I must go read for a bit and then peace out.  My eyes are getting tired!

summer

Summer has come.  I am kind of looking for a job, but not really.  I have one for a few hours.  I wish I got more there.  I’m currently keeping sane by working on a website.  It is a lot of work, but it has been a lot of fun.  It kind of sunk in when I purchased a domain and hosting for two years.  Chop chop.

Hopefully I’ll make that money back in ads, but if not whatever.  I’m just making it to be a use to people.  Once I get it done I’ll write more.  It is just under development.

I saw “UP” on Tuesday.  It was pretty amazing.  I was able to see it in 3D as well.  This summer has been a lot of fun so far.  I’ve been to Chicago, Kansas City (woot), and I’ll be going back to Kansas City soon, and North Carolina.  Maybe throw Canada in there too.

I’ve missed out on a few months of writing.  I don’t know if I will pick it back up or not.  It is just kind of late and it felt like the right thing to do.  I’m just kind of chilling through life right now.

I guess we can’t always have what we want; so we have to settle for the next best thing.

On a lighter note; I am a college graduate!  It isn’t as exciting to me as it would be if I wasn’t going back for four more years.  I have a degree, and if I weren’t going to school again I would have had a very nice job with a great company.

Time for me to peace out now; work at 8:00 tomorrow.

a passage

“There was a reason to it all,” she said.

“What reason?” he said.  “how could there be a reason? You died. You were forty-seven.  You were the best person any of us knew, and you died and you lost everything.  And i lost everything.  I lost the only woman I have ever loved.”

She took his hands.  “no you didn’t.  I was right here. And you loved me anyway.

“Lost love is still love, Eddie.  It takes a different form, that’s all.  You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hand or move them around a dance floor.  But when those sense weaken, another heightens.  Memory.  Memory becomes your partner.  You nurture it.  You hold it.  You dance with it.

“Life has to end,” she said. “love doesn’t.”

Eddie thought about the years after he buried his wife.  It was like looking over a fence.  He was aware of another kind of life out there, even as he knew he would never be a part of it.

“I never wanted anyone else,” he said quietly.

“I know,” she said.

“I was still in love with you.”

“I know.” She nodded.  “I felt it.”

“Here?” he asked.

“Even here,” she said smiling.  “That’s how strong lost love can be.”