there is only tomorrow

BigTen

2010-06-09T19:24:00.001-05:00

Looks like Nebraska is going to the BigTen!

I hope Notre Dame will follow! Missouri or Rutgers would be great as well. I’m going to laugh when Iowa State has to join the MAC, CUSA, or Mountain West. Sounds like most of the Big XII will be heading to the Pac10. This could make for a fun time for football in a few years!

I’ve been having a blast lately. Starting to plan summer this Friday! Hopefully the weather will be nice so I can go to the Res tomorrow afternoon after class. We shall see. My new swim trunks still are in the mail.

2010-05-31T14:12:00.001-05:00

This weekend was awesome. Hopefully this next week of school will be pretty relaxing! Last week without tests!!

I love my friends!

2010-05-15T01:40:00.001-05:00

i lost a step and i'm falling into you
you know exactly what you do
she's adorable as hell
she's got me begging on my knee

surprise!

2010-05-04T00:04:00.001-05:00

Woah! I thought you were joining my team.

On the bright side I got my tax return today. :-)

skool

2010-04-29T12:09:00.001-05:00

Everyone will be done in a few weeks and I will still have to go to class! Ahhhhh! June 25th is my last day. I am kind of winding down already; that isn’t really a good sign. Classes get a bit more relaxed after finals week. The worst week is over; I survived it.

Matt Nathanson Sunday was awesome. He played one of my favorite songs: Fall To Pieces. But did not play my other favorite: Answering Machine. Oh well. It was fun to go to. This week has been a lot of fun. Softball yesterday was a great time; had a pretty amazing catch. Nothing too exciting in my life right now, just thought I’d drop in.

2010-04-25T02:29:00.001-05:00

Apparently I’m pretty good at hooking my friends up! Was the DD tonight; had a lot of fun. I think I could have kids at some point after dealing with those clowns.

2010-04-15T23:59:00.001-05:00

And if somebody tells you
You're not enough
If somebody tells you
You're not good enough
If somebody tells you this,
It isn't just
Just, I'm burning out
And I'm calling all the bluffs

day of studying

2010-04-09T08:15:00.001-05:00

I have a lot of tests next week. I’ve done some ground work this week so I feel a little more comfortable. I think today there will be a good amount of free hours spent at the library. It is just one week of my life; that’s nothing.

happy easter!

2010-04-04T22:27:00.001-05:00

This week is going to keep me busy (I hope anyways!). I want to be able to go to the Motion City concert on Thursday, but I have two tests Friday. Not sure how that is going to work out, but I’ll find a way (I hope)!

I was a bum this weekend. I should have done more cleaning or something more productive. I did get laundry done, and I had a good Easter dinner. I’m hoping that tomorrow’s quiz isn’t too bad; I think we only have a few more.

fun

2010-04-02T21:00:00.001-05:00

I had a great time this week. I don’t know how it could have been any better. Quizzes and tests went well; great time at the concert and bbq. I hope to have some fun tonight. I’m not really sure what I’ll be doing but we’ll see where the night takes us.

I had a good conversation with a classmate the other night. I think someone finally listened to me and could relate to what I was saying. I don’t think anyone has quite the same experience around me. I am glad that she was able to boost my confidence a bit. She knows what she is talking about too. Hopefully it’ll be a plus in the future. I like having people to talk to. So far there aren’t that many around me; and the ones that I tried to talk to weren’t willing to open up. But I’m glad someone will listen. I need to figure out what I want to listen to on the way downtown tonight.

Lovin’ life :-P

spring!

2010-03-28T23:09:00.001-05:00

I think the weather finally has turned. Snow no more. I think winter is my least favorite season. Summer and spring are tied, but fall is the best. I am already excited for the nice weather though! It looks like this year is going to be a lot of fun. This week should be great. The Rocket Summer is coming to Iowa City Wednesday… now I just need to find someone who will go with me. I have someone who said, “Yes” but who knows what will happen. I’m excited though! Woot.

I went to Avenue Q yesterday. That was also a lot of fun. It was very good; I think from it I realized that we all go through the same events (more or less) in life, but we just experience them in different ways. I don’t know what to think though. Should I defy that? Should I just accept the things that are all true to each life we live? Right now I say, “No”. But right now is just a snapshot. Things will change as I get older and the importance of different things changes. Shrug! I’m pretty content with where I’m at right now.

Time for bed!

2010-03-21T21:47:00.001-05:00

When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

movin’

2010-03-18T02:18:00.001-05:00

I really need to get out of this town. It has been too long. Everything about my past is just here. I’ve started living for myself, and I just really need to move out. Three more years. I’ve always wondered what would have happened if I got into Nebraska. I probably would have moved; even though that would have been tough, more money, and not really logical. Iowa City is a fun place, but I’m just ready for something more my own.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to just get my feet wet. Three years. I love my future and all of the new people I’ve met; just not my past.

2010-02-25T22:44:00.001-06:00

Hope the new grass you seek
Is greener than the greenest green
And if it's not, or if it is
I just hope you'll be
At peace, at least

curiosity

2010-02-19T23:24:00.001-06:00

I’ve been thinking lately; I don’t wanna grow up! I’ve always had a childish attitude. Lately I’ve realized that I’m not ready to be old; or if I am I think I just want to be single. Currently I don’t have a crush on anyone. I’m not really looking for that in life right now. Couples don’t really disturb me; when someone in my class gets engaged I feel like it is expected. I don’t feel that it is expected of me. I’m not really sure I even want that in my life anymore. Things just seem so simple right now. Class; friends; studying. I’m pretty complacent. I just like having friends. I don’t have as many close friends as I did in undergrad, but I don’t really feel like it is necessary. I want to open up, but that will come. I wish that there was just one person that I could talk to; but I like talking to women and I don’t want to intrude on any of their relationships.

I guess I’ll just have to wait until they’re all married; most are engaged, but marriage the other guy shouldn’t feel threatened. It isn’t my intention to steal them. I just want someone to talk to. I miss having all my girls around. Sigh.

weekend fun

2010-02-12T18:47:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was a blast. A few of us went out for the drag show; what a great time. It was wild and crazy. I don’t think I’ve had that much fun in one night for a long time. Tonight is going to be fun too; party bus!

I surprised Maranda today. I don’t really know what she thought! I hope her boyfriend doesn’t get more upset because I treated his woman to a Valentines Day gift. It was a joke of course, but it couldn’t have been any more humorous. That is the way he should be treating her anyways; so I guess he can think of it as a gift.

Also cheesecake bakeoff was a success. I had good texture and crust; works for me. I Think the votes were split about 50/50. I’m glad I didn’t get killed! It would have been a rough day. Everyone liked the cheesecakes.

I best be going soon to catch the bus; I have been really hungry tonight and I have had a lot to eat but I’m still hungry. :-/

school

2010-01-20T12:34:00.001-06:00

So I’ve been back at school for three weeks. I haven’t started studying like I was before yet. I have to this week though; two tests next week. I think I’ll be okay. The days are a lot more full; we’re constantly busy. I need to get more sleep at night I think.

I am eating healthier now. I invested in a crock pot to be able to make easy “healthy” meals while I am at school. So far it is working; I still dabble in fast food, but not nearly as much as it was last semester. I’ve lost some weight since the holidays. I guess that means it is working. I could really use a nap right now ;-) We have our most confusing class Wednesday on afternoons. Sigh. I’ll make it! I made it this far so I guess I can do anything.

orange bowl!

2010-01-05T17:00:00.001-06:00

Bowl game tonight!

Go Hawks!

it’s been said many times many ways…

2009-12-19T20:29:00.001-06:00

Well I’m done with my first semester! I did okay; only one class didn’t really go easily for me, but I’m glad I got through all of them! This week there was a lot of celebrating. We had a white elephant gift exchange at our ugly sweater party. Not my most attractive moment ever, but it was fun!

Friday I went skiing for the first time in a long time. It was a ton of fun :-). Haha. I might not be very good but I only fell twice. Not bad for being away from skiing since high school. Maybe a little more liquid courage would help me. My thighs just got tired. I am not really in shape.

I have to get two more Christmas gifts. I got a lot done today, but it was really busy everywhere I went. I think I might bake tonight; I’m not entirely committed yet. I love being able to bake again. I wish all my friends didn’t leave; it is sad being here all alone. I don’t have the studying to keep me distracted either. I can’t wait to head down to Kansas City to spend some time with Steve. It will be a good break; I have two whole weeks to relax. I’m getting hungry again; I had a light supper so I think I’m going to grab some chips and salsa.

snow!

2009-12-09T19:29:00.001-06:00

We got a lot of snow today. Classes were cancelled. I ended up staying in bed until 1 PM. I wasn’t feeling too good. Finally I decided to wake up and take some medicine. After that I started to feel a wee bit better, and I took advantage of some much needed study time. I’m going to study a little more tonight, but I think I’ll wait half an hour or so to get started.

I want to just snuggle up and watch a movie. I don’t have anyone to do that with though. I guess all the more reason to study. Being single is helping me make friends, and this I am glad for. I think I just need time. Eventually things will work out; or at least I hope they will :-). I mean if I never have kids who is going to take care of me when I’m 80?

I’ll be happy when it is Friday. Then I’ll have (hopefully) two exams next week. I just have to make it through the remaining four this week. Two tomorrow and two Friday. If I don’t get above 70% on the one Friday morning I have to take the final. Eww.

a good night

2009-12-03T00:44:00.001-06:00

This week has been pretty laid back. I won’t be looking forward to next week. I think I have a few life decisions to make, but those will come with time. It is unfortunate that some people won’t like them.

I was called “jaded” tonight. It was a huge insult. I’m over that… I know that I’m going to have a very successful life. I could have after four years of undergrad too. I’ll be happy if I get a few dogs; die alone; and have a handful of good friends.

If there is a woman that can prove me wrong I’d like to meet her. I’m still alive; so I haven’t met a woman I can’t live without. ^^ close but no cigar.

it didn’t have to end like this

2009-11-28T02:44:00.001-06:00

I have never had the most awkward conversation in my life. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it had to do with the last few nights. I’ve been up on a high; I think the holidays just do that to everyone, but I had my stomach sink tonight. I guess Mat Kearney put it best:

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
We're gonna get there soon

I love that song; I wasn’t on my knees at all. I just had that feeling that you have when you can’t believe what someone said to you. For me it hasn’t happened in awhile. I guess it just reminds me that I’m human. I’m glad nothing serious happened to anyone in my life. It was just an emotional issue; we all want to feel needed and wanted. I guess looking back I don’t see how I should have felt wanted or needed, but hind sight is always twenty/twenty.

I’m glad that I’ve had this week off. I need to gear up the next few weeks. I am way too addicted to bears. I want to get these for my deck. I think I’m going to run out to Target and see if they have any. o.O

happy thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T23:35:00.001-06:00

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving day. I was out last night again. It was a fun time. I’m really confused though. Oh well.

I’m glad that I’m on break but it feels like it is moving so fast. I hope I can enjoy the rest of it while it lasts. I can’t decide if I want to go to bed early tonight or not. I want to go get some things tomorrow, but it might be so busy that shopping isn’t worth the hassle.

I’m watching ESPN right now and they’re showing items about older men. I want to be a cute old man. I don’t know if I can top what they’ve accomplished. They’ve both had long marriages (50+ years) and are 99. I would be happy to be married that long, but in reality it probably won’t happen the way things are going right now. Not sure how long I’ll last either if I keep eating the way I do. It has gotten worse since I’ve been a dental student too. I just don’t have time so I get fast food. I’ve been trying to get Subway more though. That is better than deep fried food. We’ll see; I guess it all just will work itself out. :-) So I don’t have anything to worry about.

weeeee!

2009-11-25T20:45:00.001-06:00

I made it to break! I am enjoying it so far. It will be a good time off. I think two weeks from now will suck, but I’ll have a whole week to study for all of those tests. Semester is almost over. I got my first class grade, and it was okay. Not stellar.

I’ve been having a lot more fun now that I have been able to hang out with friends. Hopefully I’m not too much of a dork either. I’ve also done some exploring. Which is good for me because I haven’t really had that confidence. I just figure it will all work out eventually. Tonight should be fun too; going out again :-)

make it through

2009-11-12T23:03:00.001-06:00

I have two tests tomorrow. I just need to make it through and I’ll have some time over the weekend. I have another big test Monday so there isn’t much relief, but then I’m off the hook for a bit and I can collect myself.

I’ve been through worse.

note

2009-11-12T14:28:00.001-06:00

She left a note.

Se hace camino al andar.

Which translates to:

The road is made by walking.

or,

You make the way as you go.

hard to imagine

2009-11-08T22:56:00.001-06:00

The last few weeks have gone by very quickly. I ended up getting sick two weeks ago, and I’ve been pretty busy studying. Things are just settling into place I guess. I like hanging out with all of the people in my class. One of the things that I’ve found it hard to do is find time for old friends. I really miss them, and I don’t really have any excuses. I’m just busy and need to find time. I do like when I do get to talk to them though.

I’m not really sure where everything is going at this point. I have an idea in my head but I’m not sure that it is going to work out. We’ll see… I won’t know for awhile.

On another note it is looking more and more like another Florida bowl game for Iowa. If they can pull off the win next week I’d be excited to go to the Rose Bowl, but the brick wall in front of them is pretty big. I think the Capitol One Bowl is the best shot. In any case the trip will be fun, and a much deserved break from school.

I think it is bedtime.

test(ed)

2009-10-05T12:21:00.001-05:00

I have four exams this week. A week ago I was afraid of it; but once I just convinced myself that it is how it is going to be I’ve been able to come to terms about it. No point on worrying about having four; I have to take them no matter what. I get rewarded by the Iowa/Michigan game at the end of the week! If it doesn’t work out it could be worse… I could be a cyclone.

My second molars are rhomboidal. If only they were heart-shaped.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

2009-09-27T21:13:00.001-05:00

Studying teeth! That is how I am spending my night. I am getting a few mixed up, but hopefully I can work those problems out. I’m taking a short break. I am very tired though; I don’t know how long I’ll be able to study.

Next week is going to be a lot of work. I have four tests! This week I have two, but they aren’t as bad. I really need to get my studying done this week, and I think I’ll be able to do it successfully.

This weekend was fun. I went to Mission of Mercy to help out; I felt like it was a wonderful experience for me. I learned a lot, and saw some of what we were talking about in ethics class. It was interesting. Later I went to watch the football game with Ben. I think he had a wonderful time; we also celebrated his birthday. His girlfriend probably hates me! He had a good time though ;-).

I’m trying to decide if I want to buy Packers tickets for when they play in Chicago. They’re expensive :-/ and I also bought 3EB tickets for November. I would love to go to the football game, but I don’t know if it is worth it to spend THAT much money to go. Especially if Iowa goes bowling; I’ll probably want to do that and I won’t have enough money to do both.

Alright I need to get back to studying so I can turn in early. Hopefully I can keep my head on straight for the next two weeks.

asprin

2009-09-24T22:45:00.001-05:00

I see this poster at the library everyday and I feel like it is me. Someday the mask will come off.

cookie monster

2009-09-24T19:35:00.001-05:00

Someone at the rest of my cookie. I’m sad. I was going to have that for dessert tonight. My birthdays always suck. I don’t even get to eat my own cookie.

To state the obvious tomorrow is Friday. I did well on my test this week. I should have done better, but I can do that next time. I’m going to go study because I have nothing else to do.

Darn cookie. :-(

time to write

2009-09-22T23:10:00.001-05:00

I’ve had a very stressful last few weeks. I maybe came a little too full circle. I’m beginning to wonder if I made the “right” decision with respect to where I’m headed in life. I just don’t feel like I am my own person. Maybe I’m not aggressive enough socially; or maybe I care too much about others. I know it is what you put into things that matters, and that you can’t control what others give back.

My birthday was kind of fun except for a few things. I had a HUGE fight with my girlfriend. I’m not really happy with her now. We’ll leave it at that. I’ve started to wonder if I need more time to grow alone as a person. Things are hard now. I miss my old friends that have moved on with their lives. I try to be friendly, but I just don’t feel like other people like me.

I’m just doubting a lot of things in my life right now. :-/ Time will sort it all out, and it might get worse before it gets better.

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

engineering

2009-09-12T03:00:00.001-05:00

I finally miss it. On the walk home I realized I was a graduate. I’m no longer in the college. I miss all the people the most. The late nights staying there working on our wind turbine; then going to Vitos for a good time afterwards.

I ran into Andy there the other day. I miss hanging out with him. He is a great guy. I feel like I’ve been torn between friends. I feel like I am struggling to make new ones; as always. I just feel like I can’t let go of my old ones. I love the people I was with the last four years too much. I would drop anything for any of them. They’re the greatest.

I think I finally hit that moment where I miss it. The moment came sooner after high school, and in a different way. Now I just feel like well everyone moved on. I’m not ready to move on. I am glad I’m where I landed, and it is what I want to do. I just didn’t take advantage of my first few years in college. The last year has been the best year of my life. No doubt. A year ago from this coming Saturday kicked it off. I went to Pittsburgh, Chicago for the first time since I was young, Memphis, and Mexico. I traveled more than ever. I also took advantage of the most opportunities. I coached two sports; I worked as a TA, and I was a summer camp counselor. The last one was a life long dream, and it happened. It is going to be tough to top all of this; I lived the best year of my life. I shouldn’t expect anything less this next coming year, but I think my goals are different.

I only missed one question on my test today. :-) I guess my new strategy is working. Three tests next week :-D. Bring them on.

lunch

2009-09-09T12:46:00.001-05:00

It is lunchtime. I am done with my third test of the year. I think I need to come up with a new studying pattern. I’m just getting into things, and I’m not doing poorly but I am missing a few more problems than I would like. Today I mixed up two amino acids and they were present in two questions. Other than that I think the test went okay. We shall see though.

I’m enjoying most of the work in the labs. I am going in this afternoon to work on waxing a tooth. I think it will come in handy for the next lab practical. I still have to study for my test Friday and complete an assignment for tomorrow tonight. Maybe I can change a habit or two for Friday and see how it works out. I don’t feel the need to ace exams, but I want to do a little bit better.

one week

2009-08-31T21:38:00.001-05:00

It has been one week since I started school again. I don’t like the mornings, but I love working with my hands all afternoon. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get enough of it. It is very fun to make teeth; even if I’m just using wax right now. I think the school part of it is going to kick my butt, but I think that I’ll get through it. My first test wasn’t GREAT but I did well enough to make myself feel as if I can do better. I know I can. I’m going to try to study a lot more this week and keep on top of things. I made a friend that is willing to study at least some of the nights with me. She is really nice.

The picture above is from postsecret. I have that same feeling! I don’t like talking to people about it. I’m glad I have it.

I feel like I had more to write, but I don’t really feel like writing it now. Funny how that always seems to happen!

secrets

2009-08-25T21:47:00.001-05:00

I went to the PostSecret.com talk today. I’m glad I went. I wish I had known about the website earlier. Back when things were harder.

There was a point in the conversation where he stated that 90 of the people in the room would think about suicide in the next year, and 24 would attempt it. Then he went on to say that we needed to help these people; if we were a friend to make sure that they didn’t have any strong prescription drugs in their room. I feel the need to share my secret now. I was one of those kids. I never mentioned it directly in my blog, but if one goes back and reads it I’m sure that it would be clear.

http://jarodj.blogspot.com/2008/06/bottom-of-barrel.html

I had some leftover from when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I was ashamed of it, but now I’m willing to admit what happened. It wasn’t the most pleasant thing to do to my body, but no one was there to tell me it was wrong. People knew about it but did nothing. I ran out and that was the end of it.

I have a lighter secret I want to share as well. I didn’t stand up in front of the crowd to share tonight because I will probably put them on postcards and send in.

Every time I see a Ford Taurus I look to see if it is you.

I should have studied instead of writing this tonight, but I felt guilty not coming clean.

baby i’m not the one

2009-08-22T01:21:00.001-05:00

I get the raw end of the deal every time. I’m set up to fail. My past always comes back to get in the way. I was so happy. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to that point. I am happy with my life right now, but I’m not happy with my relationship. Someday I’ll be happy with both. I don’t think that is going to happen for awhile. I don’t go out and get what I want. I’m too intimidated. I just can’t get past what happens in this world. I can’t be that bad.

I don’t want to wait until the dust settles from what others do, but I’m afraid that might be what happens. At least I haven’t cried in awhile.

one more day!

2009-08-20T20:34:00.001-05:00

Orientation is almost over. I start class Monday! I’m excited. I’ve met a lot of cool people. I think it is going to be really hard to keep in touch with old friends; I’m doing my best. I need to run out and get a webcam for skype. I have a microphone but I think they want to see me.

I’ve been very exhausted the last few days. I miss my naps. Hopefully when school starts I’ll be used to not napping. I think I’ll take one tomorrow. It might also be that I sit in the same lecture hall all day. Who knows.

3EB – Why Can’t You Be

Are you frightened by the weight you possess or-
Is this life just weightlessness?
Smoggy twilight in LA,
I can't think of one real thing to say.
And Robbie Williams is walking in the canyons,
Forgets that we were friends.
I guess it all depends on your mood.
Why can't these meds be any damn good?
And she said-
Why can't you be
Like my waterpik shower massager?
A sweet reliable machine.
And to tell the truth I don't feel less alone,
A water massager's the purest love I've ever known.
Why can't you be like when i was thirteen?
Why can't you be like a art house foreign movie,
Frank and sexy, red balloons, and ennui? And a loof to me and,
Why can't you be a little more of a mystery?
Why can't you be the part of me that's missing?
Instead of leaving me for some other,
Said we're perfect for each other,
And I know we won't go spend our lives alone.
Why can't you be like an outsourced government contract?
I'm a fat cat getting away with anything.
Kicking some secret special powers,
Illumination rounds in showers.
Cause you're tearing your hair out.
Well we can have better flowers.
Why can't you be like the chicks out on the road?
Some girls are happy just to see me.
Cause you've got moxie and a broken nose.
Take them away from this prose.
Sometimes a blowjobs not enough.
Why cant you play-a little less rough?
Why can't you be the part of me that's missing?
Instead of leaving me for some other,
Said we're perfect for each other,
And I know we won't go spend our lives alone.
Can we, just leave it be?
And we can live, our lives, separately?
Could you forget-what happens to you-you and me?
When we're dead-and we'll be dead-we'll have eternity.
And I will spend it all- missing you-seeing you with me.
So all of a life.
I will always be.
Why can't you be thinking a little deeper into me?
Like JD Salinger.
Why do i challenge her,
In all these surface ways that you displease?
Why can't you be a little more at ease?
Why can't you be like a hand rolled cigarette? I'm not joking-
This masochistic self pity of smoking and this silly ditty...
I keep provoking you to leave me...
And she said-
Why can't you be,
Like a candle I can snuff?
You're still a diamond in the rough-
And I swear to God-
I've had enough.
How can I,
Call your bluff?

all we have is who we are

2009-08-18T12:17:00.001-05:00

Welcome home. I’m finally back from all my vacationing and camp stuff. I am frustrated for many reasons.

My vacations were fun. Memphis with Upward Bound was amazing. The kids had a ton of fun, and I learned a lot on the trip. I’m glad that I was selected to go. If I could do it again I would. Dental School won’t really allow for me to work as a counselor. I might apply to teach, but I don’t know how far that will go.

I also went to Puerto Vallarta. It was my big trip before I begin the next part of my life. I felt like I just needed to go enjoy myself. In a way it was deserved. Kind of an end cap to the best year of my life. I finally got off my butt and did something. Not quite a “Yes-man” but a positive improvement.

I am on lunch from orientation right now. It kind of surprises me how many people are married. It kind of sucks. I wonder if I’ll find anyone I can marry. :-/ I have some personal barriers I have to get through first; I’m sure those will take a few years to overcome, but maybe by then my mind will be more clear.

I’m going to get back to lunch! Maybe this afternoon I can clean and get my life together.

happy birthday?

2009-07-29T12:38:00.001-05:00

We had a talk last night and it didn’t seem to help. I don’t like being told that I need to give her more stuff. I made stuff for her the whole time I was at camp. I made a keychain, two different bracelets, and a bear. Kind of insulting. I wish someone appreciated me; maybe I’m doing something wrong. Blarg.

Regina Spektor – The Call

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before
All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

camp is over

2009-07-27T23:39:00.001-05:00

Camp is finally done. I had a lot of fun doing it. I’m very frustrated with my girlfriend. I just need to get this out. She is just being a princess lately and I’m about to explode because I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to have to baby someone all the time. That isn’t me. I cannot explain how bad it has been since I finished. You’d think I’d be the one getting special attention now that I’m done with my 24/7 job. It is just sick.

On top of that; (this really bothers me) I still haven’t received what I was promised for my birthday. It has been almost a year, and I’m expected to worship the ground she walks on for her birthday? I just don’t get it. I don’t feel like this relationship is 50/50. I usually do more, but it is way to extreme now. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of sometimes.

how she felt

2009-07-15T14:55:00.002-05:00

I was cleaning up my hard drive for a friend to borrow and I came across some interesting material. My ex-girlfriend used my old computer, and I used the same hard drive I was cleaning to move her files to her own computer. I never really got the urge to look through the material until last night. I don't know if I was afraid of what I'd find, I had too much respect, or if I just didn't care.

Point being I just took a quick glance and saw something interesting. She started a book; or a book outline. I'm not quite sure. I read it. I have mixed feelings about it. What I take from it is that I made the right decision. She had a wandering eye. I don't know the particulars about it and I doubt I will ever find out. I just know that this made me feel cheated. I felt as if I loved a person more than she will ever realize, and that I wasn't really loved back. I was just a stepping stone; or a place holder for the next step. It just seems after reading this last night all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Her actions during the time when we were no longer together just make sense.

I have to say it hurts; having a feeling that I know someone didn't love me the way I thought, but at least I have a better idea of the truth. I'm glad I found this; it sort of brings more closure for me. I don't know why I didn't come across it earlier, but I think if I would have found it earlier it would have carried a different meaning. Lastly, I remember a quote I heard; "The truth is neither mean nor evil; it's just the truth."

Here is the start of the book. In case you were wondering.

Chapter 1
“I think I could fall madly in bed with you.”
-Author Unknown

She fell, and she fell hard. She just didn’t know then how much he would change things without him even knowing about it.

Anna glanced over her shoulder to steal a peek at him in the back of the room… again. It was her third week of a new internship, and she was sitting in “Valves 101,” a training class her boss signed her up for. All of a sudden she knew that a week of in-depth valve information was going to be alright. Her reason happened to be wearing pleated khakis and a spring green button down shirt – she guessed it was Express after careful scientific observation. He was gorgeous. The kind of guy that made her wish she and Jacob had a bit less exclusiveness in their five year, one hundred percent exclusive relationship.

Monday morning’s class began at 8:00 with introductions. Anna waited for her turn. Her heart rate had picked up a few beats per minute, like normal for any public speaking, but as a twenty-one-year-old college woman among sixteen older men she didn’t mind their attention as much. There was Ben from New Hampshire, Brian from Texas, Jon from Hawaii, Rohit from Seattle, and then Caleb from Marshalltown sitting right next to her. After he finished introducing himself, Anna turned in her chair so that the teacher and the other fifteen members of the class were able to see her. She had always been a bit self-conscious about how she sounded, so she made sure her voice was light and girly as she addressed the men, “Hi, I’m Anna and I’m a co-op here in Marshalltown; I’m a Chemical Engineer from Iowa State University.” She took notice of thirty-two approving eyes taking her in as she spoke. Mr. Gorgeous was second to last and she waited impatiently to hear him talk. Damn, he was cute. When he spoke his voice was deep and warm and friendly and made butterflies pop into her stomach. “I’m Ben Becker, and I just started here as a Sales Engineer.” Ben Becker – his name was even hot. Ben Becker… where had she heard that name before? It came to her almost instantly – Anna organized a team for a YMCA volleyball league and a teammate had asked if a new co-worker, Ben Becker, could join. A satisfied smile fitted itself across Anna’s face. Now not only did she have a reason to talk him, they had guaranteed time together as well.

The morning dragged on. Anna tuned out and drummed her fingers on the table until Caleb gave her a glance. She froze in mid finger roll and gave Caleb an apologetic smile. He smiled back, genuine, down-to-earth, straight-toothed. He was not bad-looking himself. Anna thought about a book she wanted to write. Every so often she got filled up with words and sentences that swirled around inside her head, itching to get out. Anna was a pretty engineer that aspired to write a novel. What a contradiction of the stereotypes.

whew

2009-06-19T02:44:00.001-05:00

So donating plasma makes you a cheap date! I am drinking lots of water; I’ll probably take a long nap tomorrow. I feel like I should probably move on. I don’t really feel like things are going the way I want them to. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them. I just don’t feel comfortable with someone that demands that I do what she wants me to.

I forgot to mention I got another email from the company I got a job offer from saying that they’re still interested. That made me feel wanted. I just don’t feel like anyone really WANTS me. I have been having a lot of fun going out with my friends, but no one really wants to be with me. I don’t want to settle either. I want to genuinely feel it both ways. I haven’t really realized how hard that is until recently. I guess I just had it so good in high school. Welcome to the real world. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. I just don't’ really feel like anything is out there.

It is almost three; I should get to bed. I hope that tomorrow goes okay.

frustration

2009-06-18T16:35:00.001-05:00

So I finally got a summer job offer, and I tell my girlfriend. The first thing she says to me is, “Oh, you don’t want that.” Kind of self centered. I get harassed about not having a job, and then when I find one I get told what to do. I’m kind of ticked about it.

I never tell anyone what they can and can’t do. I never told my ex what to do when she was looking for an internship. I let her take what came; even though it eventually led to our breakup. I don’t regret it. I’m sure she is happy with her decision, and that is really all that matters.

I am just frustrated. I guess it is things like this that really upset me and get me going. I’m going to look into everything and then decide what I want.

I donated plasma for the first time today. It is pretty good money for just sitting there. I wish I would have charged my ipod though. It kind of died when I got to actually donating. Oh well; next time.

sigh

2009-06-12T02:34:00.001-05:00

i am typing one handed and eating a burrito.

i wish i knew what i wanted in life.

what a struggle. maybe? someone is out there?

i hope so. life is not what it used to be. the halves just swapped.

summer

2009-06-09T02:52:00.001-05:00

yep; i can tell it is summer again. monday night fun. it was kind of dead downtown tonight. i feel the same way i did last summer. kind of not fun. i guess it is time to just go with the flow… there isn’t really anything that i can have back at this point. we can’t choose what we feel.

i look at myself and expect so much more; it is just too bad i can’t deliver.

updating my phone

2009-06-07T22:07:00.001-05:00

It is really hot in my room. I have the fan on and the window open. I hope the storm comes soon. Last night was nice waking up and smelling the rain and hearing the thunder. It sounds like the bad part of the storm is north of us, but I think we’ll still get some.

I am trying to update my phone to a new version of Windows Mobile. Hopefully it won’t get messed up! I finally got my computer to recognize it; I had to reinstall Windows on another machine because mine is 64 bit and the update is only available for 32 bit windows. I just want my phone to be updated for the new text message display mode. It looks like it is going through! We’ll see… I won’t be convinced until I see it.

Tomorrow is going to be a fun day. It is one of my friend’s birthday.

New thought; I want to comment on how it feels no different to me to have a college degree. I just finished my degree this past Spring, and I haven’t had that depressing moment like I had when I graduated from high school. That moment when I realized that it was actually over. I think part of it has to do with the fact that my degree was just a stepping stone; not really an end product in my education. I’m not sure that I will have that moment. All I know is that I’m really looking forward to making new friends this fall. I’m just excited to be myself, and get close to people again. Now that Matt is gone I don’t really have that friend that I can tell everything too. I miss that a lot. I just have hesitations about telling some of my friends my thoughts; not because I don’t trust them, but I just don’t feel close to them. Obviously Matt is only a phone call away, and surely he’ll be back for Iowa games this fall.

My phone is done updating. My contacts are gone; looks like I just need to hook back up the the exchange server. Hopefully I didn’t lose it all!

throwback

2009-06-06T23:30:00.001-05:00

Today was somewhat of a lazy Saturday. I’ve had a little bit of a lazy summer. It is well deserved. I need to rest up before my life becomes all studying and no play.

I think I’m going to get to bed early this evening. I’m glad it is cool out, and I am excited about the possibility of rain (even though I do need a nice sunny day). I bought a patio set at a consignment shop and it has some rust on it that I need to paint over. A nice sunny day would allow me to put a few coats on it.

I really want to get a plant for the porch as well. It isn’t really necessary so I think I can hold off on it, but it sure would be nice. I really enjoy eating out there in the sunny warm weather!

I got to thinking a bit today, and I wonder what my life would be like if I am who I am today starting back in high school. I think I’m a lot more outgoing now than I was then. I just don’t like having to cringe when I see people from high school. For some reason I just feel like they all hate me; or are on another side. I wish they’d see me for who I am now rather than who I was then.

I must go read for a bit and then peace out. My eyes are getting tired!

summer

2009-06-04T23:49:00.001-05:00

Summer has come. I am kind of looking for a job, but not really. I have one for a few hours. I wish I got more there. I’m currently keeping sane by working on a website. It is a lot of work, but it has been a lot of fun. It kind of sunk in when I purchased a domain and hosting for two years. Chop chop.

Hopefully I’ll make that money back in ads, but if not whatever. I’m just making it to be a use to people. Once I get it done I’ll write more. It is just under development.

I saw “UP” on Tuesday. It was pretty amazing. I was able to see it in 3D as well. This summer has been a lot of fun so far. I’ve been to Chicago, Kansas City (woot), and I’ll be going back to Kansas City soon, and North Carolina. Maybe throw Canada in there too.

I’ve missed out on a few months of writing. I don’t know if I will pick it back up or not. It is just kind of late and it felt like the right thing to do. I’m just kind of chilling through life right now.

I guess we can’t always have what we want; so we have to settle for the next best thing.

On a lighter note; I am a college graduate! It isn’t as exciting to me as it would be if I wasn’t going back for four more years. I have a degree, and if I weren’t going to school again I would have had a very nice job with a great company.

Time for me to peace out now; work at 8:00 tomorrow.

a passage

2009-06-03T22:43:00.001-05:00

“There was a reason to it all,” she said.

“What reason?” he said. “how could there be a reason? You died. You were forty-seven. You were the best person any of us knew, and you died and you lost everything. And i lost everything. I lost the only woman I have ever loved.”

She took his hands. “no you didn’t. I was right here. And you loved me anyway.

“Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hand or move them around a dance floor. But when those sense weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

“Life has to end,” she said. “love doesn’t.”

Eddie thought about the years after he buried his wife. It was like looking over a fence. He was aware of another kind of life out there, even as he knew he would never be a part of it.

“I never wanted anyone else,” he said quietly.

“I know,” she said.

“I was still in love with you.”

“I know.” She nodded. “I felt it.”

“Here?” he asked.

“Even here,” she said smiling. “That’s how strong lost love can be.”

2009-04-02T23:25:00.001-05:00

I don't really have a good feeling in my stomach right now.

Probably the most down I've been in a long time.

chicago

2009-03-09T23:48:00.002-05:00

I'm super excited to go to Chicago this weekend! I have to get some more items done for this week, but I thought I'd just drop in quick and share my excitement!

Hooray!

:-D

2009-02-22T19:14:00.001-06:00

I'm super happy right now!

I really enjoyed this weekend; it was the best that has happened in awhile. I actually feel motivated and uplifted for this up and coming week.

I thought I had more to write about, but I don't. Funny how that happens sometimes.

meet the parents...

2009-02-18T16:51:00.002-06:00

So I'm meeting her parents soon... eek! Wish me luck! I haven't really had to do this thing ever; it isn't like high school where you see them all the time. Her mom is excited to meet me too; I hope expectations aren't too high.

I guess I'll just try to be who I am and not say anything silly.

one year later

2009-02-17T13:50:00.004-06:00

Graham Colton - Best Days

For a moment the unearthly stillness of the desert enveloped us.
Then Newman said, “My father once told me a story I always think of, when the going gets rough and things look hopeless. It’s about Destiny…. Destiny came down to an island, centuries ago, and summoned three of the inhabitants before him. ‘What would you do,’ asked Destiny, ‘if I told you that tomorrow this island will be completely inundated by an immense tidal wave?'’ The first man, who was a cynic, said, ‘Why, I would eat, drink, carouse and make love all night long!’ The second man, who was a mystic, said, ‘I would go to the sacred grove with my loved ones and make sacrifices to the gods and pray without ceasing.’ And the third man, who loved reason, thought for a while, confused and troubled, and said, ‘Why, I would assemble our wisest men and begin at once to study how to live under water.’ “I, too, never forgot that story. When our cause seems doomed and the future lost, when despair becomes unbearable and the heart is on the edge of breaking, let men summon hope and honor and high resolve in yet one more stubborn affirmation: Come, let us assemble our wisest men and begin at once to think, to study, to try to learn – even to learn, if we must, how to live under water.”

Leo Rosten, Captain Newman, M.D. (closing lines)

All it takes sometimes is a look into the mirror to see how far I've come.

seven cards

2009-02-16T17:25:00.003-06:00

I guess I should do a Valentines Day update :-). It was good; long story, but Matt and I did well. We went to the jeweler's a long time ago together. I think Matt and I have become a lot closer lately; mainly due to our late Old Chicago runs and talking about our girls. Probably the only person in my life that knows everything and that I'm willing to tell everything too.

Anyways I got her a ring. She wasn't really expecting it; I told her I didn't spend much because I didn't have very much money (which was true at the time). Here I guess is how I gave it to her.

I wrote her night out on seven cards; each had a little rhyme in it saying what she'd do next. I think she liked it; probably more so what was on the cards than the cards themselves, but I'll mention a few of what they are.

Her ring was put inside the puzzle I got made; she loves puzzles so I had a picture of us from Florida put on one. She didn't see the ring until all the pieces were out. I truly think she would have been happy with the gift without the ring due to her expression, but I'm glad how excited she got about the ring after she found it.

Dinner was amazing; even though we had to wait a bit. I think we would have been fine but we went just after the basketball game got out. After we got back we watched a movie :-) and then went downtown to see one of her best friends for a bit.

The last few cards were fun; we had dessert and champagne, and then she got a nice candle lit bubble bath. I think she liked it. That was pretty much the night; she said it was perfect. I'm glad I could finally do something right!

I am glad things are going well with her. All her friends want to "borrow" me :-). I guess when you get to start over you get a new chance to show who you really are; finally I get to be taken for who I am now, and not who I was in my first few years of college.

deja vu?

2009-02-12T00:45:00.002-06:00

I had a very interesting day. I got more of my prep work for the weekend done. That was good. I also took my mom the cookies that I baked the other day. I don't know what it is, but I am a little bothered by some of the occurrences that happen.

I need to talk to Matt about it; I just don't ever know what to think. One of the comments also kind of belittled me. It probably wasn't meant in the way that I interpreted it; maybe it was just something about the way it came out.

My night was wonderful though. I didn't get to talk to Steve today; which kind of bummed me out a bit. I could talk to him about my afternoon occurrence and see what he thinks. Maybe it is just something that I need to call out on and ask. I don't really want to get into anyone's bubble though; if they're happy then I'm happy.

Long day of TAing tomorrow so I should probably get some rest!

excitement!

2009-02-09T22:59:00.002-06:00

I'm excited for the weekend! I actually can't really wait until this week is over. I'm ready to pamper my girl! I still haven't decided everything that is going down, but I've got some of the basics picked out; where to eat etc...

I'm like a little kid right now; except I'm excited to give. I enjoy being a good boyfriend, and Valentines Day gives me an excuse to spoil her even more ;-).

25

2009-02-04T00:22:00.001-06:00

25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about me.

1. I still sleep with my teddy bear.
2. I am an Eagle Scout.
3. I tend to "overdo" it.
4. I have great friends from freshman year (Matt, Jen, Ben, and Nanci)!
5. I have never had braces, and I got my first cavity after I was admitted to Dental School.
6. For Christmas I asked for German knives; I love to bake and cook.
7. I drink way too much pop.
8. I would die if Chicken Fingers did not exist, and will probably die someday from eating too many of them.
9. I didn't start drinking until I was twenty one.
10. I was fortunate enough to be able to coach junior high kids this past fall; it was one of the best experiences of my life.
11. I still hold school records in track at the Junior High and High School that I attended.
12. I met one of my good friends Steve while playing video games online; I got to visit him for the first time this fall in Kansas City.
13. I've painted my chest for one basketball game each year I've been at college.
14. My favorite cookies are Oatmeal Raisin.
15. If I could change one thing about my body it would be my stomach.
16. I've had some pretty amazing jobs in the past year. They pay well and I've looked forward towards them everyday.
17. My favorite Disney character is Donald Duck.
18. My girlfriend got me hooked on Real World.
19. I have a tattoo of a bear on my side, and I love it.
20. When I grow up I want to have a Yellow Lab.
21. I love when it rains.
22. If I have my way my first car will be a Jeep Wrangler.
23. If I don't get married I am going to adopt kids.
24. I've learned to love again.
25. The past year of my life is best described by a quote by Douglass Adams, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I inteded to be."

2009-01-29T00:37:00.002-06:00

I've been a little on edge lately. I had a disturbing dream earlier this week and it just bothers me. It sucks because it isn't fair to anyone, and you can't change how you feel. I won't go into details, but my girlfriend kissed someone else in my dream. I wish I could just put things behind me, but there really isn't anything I can do.

I haven't ever really been the most secure person. I've been told I'm cute, but not that often because of the circumstances. I'm just worrying a lot lately and I shouldn't be. I'm afraid things will just happen all over again. It has almost been a year.

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.

-Rotarian

I don't understand it, but she just sent me a text message and it makes me feel a lot better about this. She knows I worry about it too; I just don't think she knows how much.

all that we could be

2009-01-22T00:39:00.002-06:00

Aw. I miss someone.

I had a lot of fun today, but I am worn out. The next two days won't be that bad, but I still have to get up early tomorrow.

I'm struggling with emotions that I have never felt before right now. I don't really know how to deal with them... at all. I am at this place in my life where I couldn't really ask for much more. Yes; I'd like to have a few more close friends, but that is about it. There is just this one thing that is bothering me and it isn't anything that I can ask for to change. It is just a feeling that I have right now.

I'm sure time will sort things out for me, but I'm not sure that is something I have right now.

I try to believe like I believed when I was five... when your heart tells you everything you need to know.

-Lucy Liu

comfort food

2009-01-14T23:24:00.002-06:00

I didn't sleep well last night so I ended up sleeping all day today. I woke up at 4:00 wondering what happened. I have a few things I need to get done; I started on them but there are some items that I just can't stop thinking about.

I just had one of those moments where someone says something to you that really sticks out, and then you just run over it again and again in your mind wondering what one meant by it. It is bugging me right now.

I really don't know where my life is headed right now. All I am sure of is that I'm going to graduate in May and begin Dental School in August. I'm really excited for those two opportunities in my life. Sometimes I just need to look back at where I was months ago and see how far I have made it.

2009-01-13T00:44:00.002-06:00

Finally! I am extremly happy with the last few days. I got my girl back ;-). She made me Swedish pancakes when I woke up this morning. They were really good; I was very impressed. I didn't even mention that we went back to where I took her for our first date Sunday. I'm glad she shows an interest in showing me things (like her pancakes). She also brought some items back from Chicago for me to have with her. I'm looking forward towards them.

Tonight was amazing. I took a nap after I got back from her place this morning and then made food all afternoon. I got to use my new knives for the first time, and my pie turned out really well. I forgot to take a picture before we dove into it, but I put one up of it. I don't know what it is but I love cooking and baking so much. It makes me happy that she likes my cooking and especially my desserts.

Cuddling was good too (even though she stole my teddy bear; rawr).

one of those days

2009-01-09T19:46:00.003-06:00

I am very frustrated right now.

I just felt like I was picked on a lot today. I'm not happy about it either. Sometimes you just have enough and you're ready to be done with it. What happened last night doesn't really help either.

I just suck at the whole self confidence thing. It was kind of weird; last night was the first time that someone actually checked me out at a bar. I felt special, but it really made me miss my girlfriend. I have two more days to go until she gets back. I think I miss her more than she misses me. I have never really missed anyone like I miss her; it really sucks.

I know the picking on me is all fun and games, but it just went to far today. I was actually looking forward to talking to her, but then everything I said got thrown back at me. Normally it is fine because it isn't everything I say, but today it really hurt me.

back from tampa

2009-01-04T00:27:00.005-06:00

I got back from my mini-vacation to Tampa. It was the most amazing trip I've taken in awhile. I was surrounded by wonderful people, and I got to know some of them a little better.

I got to hang out with my girlfriend for a bit, and she made my New Year's the best ever. I'm lucky to have her. I wish we could have had more time together down there; I can't wait until she gets back!

2008-12-23T01:01:00.002-06:00

First of all it is freezing out. Second of all I'm kind of down right now. I felt like I got picked on a little tonight; and that is fine it was just that a lot of different people did it. It was all playful and in good nature, but sometimes I just let it get to me too much.

I miss someone. I don't like when I have to see things that I want. I think some people take certain things for granted, and honestly I just want to smack them. Wake up; you have the most important thing in the world right in front of you.

The world is full of human lobsters; men stranded on the rocks of indecision and procrastination, who, instead of putting forth their own energies, are waiting for some grand billow of good fortune to set them afloat.

-Orison Swett Marden

let it snow!

2008-12-18T22:57:00.003-06:00

First day of break is gone! I finished my last final Wednesday and spent today napping and making Christmas ornaments for my girlfriend and her roommates. I also made them some hot chocolate mix because I wasn't allowed to make them food. I really wanted to make them some Christmas cookies or something, but I guess I've made them too many sweets in the past.

My girlfriend and I have been sick off and on for the last week and a half. It really sucks! All I've wanted to do this week is snuggle. I had to study and was sick at the beginning of the week, and now she is sick and has to study. RAWR. I hope she gets better!

She was drunk one night this week and her friend drove her by my place; she saw my lights and said, "Let me out." It was cute when she told me this. It made my day :-P.

sweaty

2008-12-10T22:42:00.002-06:00

Being sick is no fun. I'm fine when I am able to take Tylenol. I just finished my paper. It ended up being 11 pages; I'm pleased with that. I was shooting for 12 or so but I didn't really have anymore to write without being redundant.

I am probably going to wake up tonight covered in sweat again. I hate having the chills. It sucks being freezing and then waking up covered in cold sweat and having to change clothes at 4 AM.

I have a test Friday and then I'm to the weekend. Phew. Tomorrow night is going to be fun. Even if I am sick it is something I've been looking forward to for a long time. Taking my friends out to a nice dinner will be fun. I am so glad that most of them can come! All of them but Christie, but I'll take her out another night. She made me a cake too congratulating me. She thinks what I'm going to do next year is hot. I like that ;-).

So I ate today and it didn't come up! I've had three successful meals in the last three days. Being sick isn't fun. I should get to bed, but before I do I need to post a song (because I haven't in awhile).

I'm not a big fan of the anime but it is the only video with the actual song I wanted. Enjoy.

2008-12-08T20:39:00.002-06:00

I wanted to say it tonight.

sickness

2008-12-07T20:17:00.002-06:00

I'm starting to get sick. I know it is because of the wonderful weekend I had. I spent too much time out having fun and didn't get much rest. It was worth it though!

Christie met my parents and everything went well! They told me yesterday and today that they really like her :). I'm happy that it went well. I was proud of the way that she answered one of the questions that they asked her. It was so perfect. My whole weekend with her was perfect. The only thing I can complain about was my fault. I made her breakfast in bed on Saturday and I was cleaning the pan and I a piece of the sausage got flung up by the grease and hit my eyelid. It is a little sore but I'm lucky it didn't go in my eye and burn it.

I hope she enjoyed my breakfast. It was fun to eat in my bed and listen to music and then snuggle up for the rest of the morning. I hope she likes the things I do for her. One of her roommate's friend's said that he was jealous about how I "know" what to do to make her happy. It made me feel good, but I don't want someone else to feel inferior about themselves because of what someone else is doing. I've always known I just have needed to be given the chance to show someone how much I care.

I think I'm going to go online and find the rest of Christie's Christmas present. Bedtime after that. I have no energy left; hopefully some sleep will help me feel better.

hooray friday

2008-12-05T00:30:00.002-06:00

Long week. I've spent way too much time in the DFM lab. I don't even want to think about it... I spent 12 hours in there today. That doesn't even include the rest of the week. I am SO glad tomorrow is Friday. I've been looking forward to it all week!

I really have. I'd say I wouldn't be so frustrated with the lab if all our group members would show up and work. It has been me and two others the whole time and one person just seems to not want to come. Project has to get done, but seriously?

I enjoy running the CNC mill. It is fun; I broke a drill bit in half when I was learning and my first few pieces sucked quite a bit, but now I'm pretty darn good at running it. We have to make a few more pieces because we cracked one piece when we were putting the turbine together. It looks like with a little more sweat the darn thing is actually going to work. Scary. I'll be happy if it works. I don't really care if it lights up the light bulb, but I do want it to tip out of the wind at high speeds.

I smell like metal shards.

Yay for tomorrow's activities. Dinner with Christie (and my parents!) and then out with Christie's friend and her boyfriend. I'm super excited.

when the morning comes

2008-12-01T01:46:00.002-06:00

Tonight was amazing. I went over to Christie's to hang out with her for a bit since we'd been away from each other for a week. I took her a cheesecake I made and some blueberries; it was yummy.

I was only supposed to stay there for a little so she could get her project done; I helped her with it a little, but we kind of got distracted a bit. We checked at midnight to see if I got admitted to grad school or not and nothing was up. Then I left after another hour of watching T.V. while she worked on her project.

The last time I was over helping her with homework she was so stressed out and about ready to give up. We ended up staying up all night and she ended up getting a 93% on it. That was the night I got back from Kansas City. I'm glad I'm able to help her with school work (even though sometimes I have no clue how to help her). Sometimes it just helps to have another mind to help one think about the problem in another fashion.

When I got back I found out I was admitted to one of the schools I applied too! The first thing I did was call Christie to tell her. Exciting but now I have to make a decision. Real world or more school. I haven't really had much time to think about it because it all depended on what school I got into compared to the job. Now I can really think about it; it just sucks that the deadline for deciding the job is supposed to be today.

I'm going to get some sleep now so I can think about this more tomorrow during the day.

i need a little time to make sense how i got so high so fast....""

2008-11-29T17:44:00.003-06:00

Looks like it has been ten days. I'm writing less; that is probably because I am happier. Actually I know it is. Writing has been something that I've enjoyed doing. Every time I've done it I have not lasted too long. I think this is probably the longest I've lasted.

I think I'll continue to write; hopefully more than I have this last week! I enjoy it. This week has gone by fast. I had a great time again in Kansas City. It created many memories that I will remember for the rest of my life; my first NFL game, my first time out in KC, my first time being publicly embarrassed at a bar, and a few other memories that will give me stories to tell as I am older.

Thanksgiving was fun too. I made a apple pie for my mommy and daddy. I am so happy for them and their new house. It is nice. I want to have a romantic date with my girlfriend there when they're gone; make dinner there (because I love cooking), eat at the table with candles and then cuddle on the couch by the fireplace and watch a movie. It would be enjoyable. I have some other dates that I'd like to do but this is the one that I want the most.

She is going to meet my parents soon too :-P. I was nervous about asking her because I didn't know where she was at in the relationship; right after I asked her she invited me to meet hers in Chicago too. I'm nervous about going there and meeting them. I'm a nice boy but I don't think the parents from my previous relationship really liked me all that much so I'm a little scared.

The wedding was fun! I was on my seventh beer and my mom looked at me and just shook her head. I danced with her too! Some swing dancing o.O. She didn't know much of the advanced stuff but I got to do the moves she did know with her. I think she enjoyed it. My daddy took some pictures (they're computers aren't set up at the new house so I'll have to get them later).

Lindsay had some beverages too and I asked her if she was going to catch the bouquet! She said, "I hope so!" It was cute. I haven't talked to Aaron about it; I hope he is just waiting until he starts his real job so he can buy her a nice ring because she deserves it.

They're in the kitchen cooking I think. Cute.

Last note; I put up my Christmas lights! They were expensive but I thought I should go for the LED ones to be eco-friendly. A few extra dollars will be worth it; especially if others do their part too. It all adds up!

half day off(ish)

2008-11-19T23:22:00.003-06:00

Woot! So hump day is almost officially over; this week has been interesting. I have been super busy (like I said). I am so glad to be done with my wind turbine project for the week. I did so much work on it tonight it is crazy.

I just have one test, one paper, and one presentation left until Friday afternoon and a big ass beer at Bo James with Nanci.

Last night my day was made by Christie. She was thinking of me! She was going to stop by after her rehearsal at Carver, but I was at the SC; and then she sent me a text saying I should come out to where she dropped me off the night before. I did and she had a yummy pastry for me and a few kisses. It totally made my day. I was actually kind of bummed that I wasn't at home and then she showed up like she was reading my mind. :-D.

I got my offer today. I'm so excited! I just wish I knew all my options right now. The first time I can hear from the others is December 1st. Honestly I'm just lost at what I want to do. Blarg. I am super confused with my life right now. I need to come up with the reasons that I would like to do each option. The amount of money that was offered just hasn't sunk in yet; it is good. I'm sure it will within the next few weeks. I know if I do take the job I'll be in good hands with the company. They treat their employees so well; something that goes a long way with me.

Well nothing due until Friday now. Nighty night.

b-l-a-r-g

2008-11-16T22:36:00.002-06:00

Homework is smelly. I got a lot done today but I still have a lot to do. I have two projects that are due this week. The report for one is done but we still have a presentation to do on it. The other report will get worked on tomorrow night along with two homework assignments that I have to do for the same class. I also have a test Wednesday. Hooray for me!

I need to study for that one; I missed that class quite a bit due to my interviews that were going on. Ahh! Stressful. I will have to make that decision in December too; something I'm trying to avoid. I kind of have this feeling about it. If I do get any options I'm going to take my friends out to dinner. I know where we'd go too; it won't be cheap.

I can imagine the dinner right now. It will have the feeling of the NFL draft because I'll be the only one that knows what I'm going to do next year and I have this vision of everyone sitting around waiting with great anticipation to hear what I'm going to decide. Everyone knows all of the things that I've applied for but I haven't really told anyone what I really want to do. I am keeping that to myself. I think the decision is mine and that is really all that it comes down to. It is my life so I have to make the decision. I doubt I will tell my friends the results of what happens until dinner that night.

Dinner tonight was fun. I feel kind of bad; something I said came out wrong. I hope she didn't read into it too much; the fact that I am is probably meaning that she did as well. I meant to say that I'd rather be at the movie with Matt than doing homework, but it came out as at the movie than what I was doing at the moment (which was dinner with her). I think both are about equal; I want to have time for her and time for friends.

I gave her the printout of the poster that I am having made! I hope she likes it. The poster is still being made for her but I wanted to give it to her because her last day marching was Saturday.

Oh; she picked to go to Bennigans for me and it made me really happy! I feel like a little kid because she did that for me.

finishing up

2008-11-13T21:12:00.004-06:00

Well I made it through today. I got to take an 1:30 nap. I think without that it would have been rough. I was dozing off in class because I hadn't had any sleep. It really sucked! I bet I looked pretty stupid. I think staying up all night was the right thing to do. She really liked the help with her paper and I enjoyed doing it. I think it also showed her that I'm willing to go out of my way to help her out.

I get to see her again tonight :)! I'm excited!

Kansas City was fun! Wow; they really took care of me. I was impressed with the food. I think I ate more at dinner before the main dish arrived than I eat all day. It was very very tasty food. I liked seeing Kansas City too. I really liked the area in the Plaza by the art museum. It reminded me of the Old Capital area; which is my favorite on campus.

I think some of my fears about moving to a new place were put to rest too. I guess all but one. I began to learn the city a bit because I drove around on my own and I could remember where I was going. I don't think it would be that hard to acclimate to learn new directions and such. That is one thing that I was worried about. I think there is plenty to do as well. The culture seems to be something that I would enjoy.

I was also impressed with the company. Everything was new and really nice. The work environment was also friendly. As we were walking through I started to imagine how I would decorate my cubical. I found that kind of humorous.

I guess all I can do now is wait. Interviews are done as well as the visit. I still can't believe how nice it was. It was kind of unreal.

I also had some free time to see Steve. Here is a picture of us from dinner. He has such a nice family. His daughter was so cute. I couldn't believe it. I kind of want one now; even though he and his wife said that I shouldn't ever have kids. Who knows. Maybe someday. I guess I need to update my To-Do List. I best get that set and then move on to get my Thank Yous written for the recruiters and some homework done.

can i make it 36 hours? let's hope so

2008-11-13T07:37:00.001-06:00

So yeah! I haven't slept in exactly 24 hours. Kansas City was amazing. I have to get to class and I will write about it later. I got back at 1:00 last night and my girlfriend was frustrated so I went over and helped her with her paper all night. I enjoyed it. We'll see how today goes. It is super busy.

whew

2008-11-10T23:19:00.002-06:00

Someone just read my mind tonight. I'm so glad she called. I really needed to get that out. I hope she didn't mind talking that long. I know she doesn't really like talking on the phone but I do. Tonight was by far the longest that we have ever talked.

I am heading to Kansas City tomorrow morning (hopefully). I say hopefully because of the weather. My parents are wanting me to stay home if the weather is bad. I'm kind of upset because this is something that I've been looking forward towards all month. I'm really excited to visit places that provide opportunities for me. It makes me want them even more. I hope the weather holds of so I can go.

Swing dancing tonight was amazing. I felt like I got something accomplished. I wasn't the greatest because I missed last week but I actually was able to put a lot of things together. I really enjoy the activity; it is non-competitive for me, I get to meet a lot of different people, and I get to be active. All the people there are really nice! I definitely was in a state of "flow" there today. The hour went by so fast.

I need to get to bed. Tell Old Man Winter to hold off until Monday!

fun filled weekend

2008-11-08T22:25:00.004-06:00

Yay! There is lots of good news going around this weekend. Last night was fun, today was fun, tomorrow will be fun, and Tuesday and Wednesday will be fun!

Yesterday I had dinner with a friend. It was really good; I hadn't had homemade tacos in awhile. The dip was super yummy too. I felt bad for one for the girls though because her date didn't show up. She looked kind of sad. After dinner I got to hang out with Matt. We won beer pong again; we've won two in a row together now. I don't think we're that good though. Sometimes you just get lucky.

I had a good walk home this morning. It was snowing and I got to ipod it. I like walking and listening to music. I need new headphones though; I somehow broke the connection on one of the ear buds and it will only work if I push the cord into a certain position.

When I got back I took a power nap and then went and picked up Nanci to have some elkie-hall before the game. All I can say is she is a big lightweight. She made it through the game though. It was a blast. We went to the rec show again; Anna came too and she got to see Mike! I like teasing her about him; I kind of helped her out a little with him. Not much but just a little bit of advice. I got a picture with Christie in her sexy band uniform too. She makes me happy.

I like what she said to me last night. It was so cute; she said that she liked my new facebook picture, and that I shouldn't "ever change" it. I like how she compliments me. It goes a long way because I never really got any compliments from girls in the past. It is nice to know she likes looking at me. She also said some other things that made me really happy the other day.

Iowa won today too! It was amazing. Oh em gee. What a game. I still can't really believe it. The first half Iowa kept it close and then they just pulled through in the second. Wow. What an amazing game. Too bad the rest of the close ones couldn't have turned out the same way.

Bowl game too! I'll probably go this year. o.O

This week is going to be super duper busy. Tomorrow is the first basketball game for Iowa. I think that will be a blast. I also have quite a bit of other activities that I have to do. I'm getting sleepy so I think I'm going to take a power nap before Jen gets back. I made her a pie Thursday but kind of passed out and didn't get to eat it with her.

2008-11-06T00:59:00.002-06:00

So the test is really tomorrow. I got a lot of homework done tonight! I also had my first vodka cranberry since my birthday. This one stayed down! I'm proud of myself! My birthday was just a rough night :) and then Pittsburgh. It was pretty T&A.

I yelled a lot today at practice. It didn't seem like the kids really picked up on what I wanted them to work on. I am a little frustrated. I still have to make the lineups for tomorrow. I have an idea but I need to print off the sheet to give to the other coach. I'm a little worried that we won't be able to run the other out of bounds play that I put in.

Okay I'm wasting time now.

rain!

2008-11-05T02:10:00.003-06:00

I am up way too late. So I didn't have a test today like I thought! It is actually Thursday. I was kind of freaking out but all is well. This week is a lot less hectic than I presumed it was going to be. Although I wouldn't mind being finished with that test right about now. I'll have to study for it more tomorrow.

As I was driving home tonight it started raining. It was perfect. I love the rain and I had a wonderful evening. It fit together well.

I'm off to bed!

oh the places you'll go

2008-11-03T20:37:00.003-06:00

Wow. What a week for me. It hasn't really come to an end because I have a test tomorrow that I have not studied for at all. That is the task for tonight. I did the review sheet in the car but I couldn't find all of the answers. I now have to go over it a lot. I really just want to go to bed. It was a long week, but it was also the best week that I've had in a long time.

I was super stressed out during the whole thing too. I don't really know what to say. After my last interview today I just felt like someone was with me through all of this. I don't really know how I made it through it all. I know I didn't do it alone.

I was impressed with Nebraska too. In a perfect world I'd get into all the schools I want to go to and job offers from all the companies that I want to work for. I doubt that is going to happen. I kind of feel like everything is a long shot. I lack something called confidence. This is something that is not new.

I love my friends! The ones that care wished me luck in various ways. Each had his or her own way of doing it and I really can't express how much it means to me to know that SOMEONE cares about me.

I kind of wish someone would call and ask me how my interview went. I don't know if he/she is going to or not.

hello november

2008-11-01T23:16:00.003-05:00

Ahh! Just got back from Illinois. We lost but it was fun and the Hawks put up a good fight. I wish we would have won! It was so fun until they drove the ball down with two minutes left and kicked a field goal.

Halloween there was fun except I am a little frustrated. I got a call from a friend and something was wrong and I would have talked to her but she heard that I was out and didn't want to talk. I texted her right after she hung up and didn't get anything back. I would have stopped anything I was doing to help her feel better. Sometimes things just get at me a little because I want to be there for people.

I should be packing for Nebraska but I am beat and I think I'm going to do that in the morning. I get an extra hour tonight so it can be used wisely.

This week has been one of the best in a long time! It isn't over until Tuesday either! Nebraska here I come :).

find a restroom sir

2008-10-30T22:53:00.002-05:00

I am exhausted. Today was long.

I'm excited to go to the Iowa game this weekend. We will be heading out right after I finish practice. Should be a blast. I'm kind of packing right now. In the process anyways. I have the tickets out and my Halloween costume. I need to grab my camera too; would be a shame if I forgot that.

Our game today was much better than Tuesday. I saw a little improvement in areas that we stressed. We started off really well in both games which was good. I was also impressed that some of the kids started using some of the skills that we have been working on in practice in the game. They're picking it up a little better. Our out of bounds play was also money. We should have scored a few more points off of it.

I went to dinner with Jen today. She is going through a rough time. I am glad I was able to hang out with her. We were sitting in my car talking when I took her home and someone came up and just peed in her driveway right in front of us. It was ridiculous. There wasn't much we could do about it either. She said it wasn't the first time that someone did that. Some people are strange.

I am going to get some more prep work done for the morning. Big weekend ahead. GO HAWKS!

all together now

2008-10-30T11:11:00.003-05:00

It looks like I've generated a little interest within a certain company. I'm okay with the corporation reading my blog. I don't really feel that I have anything to hide. I'm an honest person and if they have any questions I would be more than willing to answer them. They've known since the first career fair I went to that I was interested in professional schooling. It shouldn't be a big surprise.

As of right now if a company did offer me a position I wouldn't be able to decide upon it until next year anyways. I have to begin the process because there are no guarantees that I will have a job or a spot in a school.

Yippie! Today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. I started out with my interview at Iowa. I got there a little early because I was unsure if I would be able to find the room. I hope that didn't ruin anything. All the interview questions were ones that I had anticipated. I'm glad I did research online to find the questions that were going to be asked. It really would have been tough if I didn't find those.

I think my toughest question was "What is your life mission?" The second toughest was "What do you want to do if you don't get into Dental School?" I would be more sure of that but I was made aware of the Teach for America program, and now I'm torn between that and Engineering Consulting. With Teach for America I could earn a Master's or continue coaching. Eek! I would love to do it, but after meeting with students today I am totally for Dental School.

I guess all the preparation work is done for my Iowa application. Now I just have to wait until December 1st to find out. Hopefully I'll be selected within the first group.

I had another interview with Cerner today. The second round. The first round went a lot smoother. I ran into two speed bumps in the behavioral part of the interview. The second half of it was more technical and while I didn't know some of the terminology I knew the concepts. I'm getting more comfortable with interviews. I'm looking forward towards my next opportunity at Nebraska on Monday.

Practice today was amazing. I felt like the kids accomplished a lot. They really listened during the second half and I think gained a better understanding of the mistakes that we made. Hopefully we'll be able to put it into the game tomorrow. I don't think we'll be able to run the offensive plays, but I think if we correct the three big things we worked on in practice we'll be in the game.

One more thing to mention for today... :-D I don't even know what to say about it; it made me so happy! The interview that I was prepared for, practice, and then seeing her (and making her smile) really made my day. She was so cute! I just wanted to take her home and snuggle up with her and fall asleep. There is this thing she does when I do something for her that I love. I'm not going to say what it is because I feel kind of dorky for liking it!

I hope she chooses me.

short intermission

2008-10-29T12:10:00.001-05:00

I just got done with my interview and tour of Iowa. I really want to go to Dental School now. It was so cool!

Okay enough I have to get going here!

motherly love

2008-10-27T23:37:00.003-05:00

I had a good evening. I feel bad about my mistake today but I took responsibility for it. I know that was the right thing to do (taking responsibility). I stand by my values/decision but not by the way I went about conveying it. I was frustrated and did not react accordingly.

I talked to my mom for 40 minutes on the phone this evening. She made me feel better. I love my mommy. I was just stressed today. I made it through and the last part of my day was good for the way the first part went.

Tomorrow is our first basketball game. I'm nervous for that. I also have an interview for a job. Hopefully it will help prep me for the Dental School interview. I'm studying a lot of the same questions (for both). I'm more worried about the game. I just want the kids to have fun. I didn't really condition them that much; hopefully they'll be able to go the whole game.

I just took a break to set my roster for tomorrow. Stressful because they're all wonderful kids but they can't all play.

I am much relieved of stress after talking to Nanci and my Mom. I tried to talk to Jen but she kind of shoved it down my throat. I'm a little upset about that. I'll forgive her but it really hurt my feelings.

2008-10-27T18:32:00.000-05:00

I feel sick to my stomach right now. I just ate a lot of Pringles but I don't think that is why I am sick.

I left my interview questions at home today. I was sad. I got them out and put them on my bag but when I walked out I forgot something and set them on my bed before I left and never put them back in my bag.

Today wasn't the best day of my life. I still have 5 more hours of it. I'm not going to sit here and sulk. I made mistakes today. I'm not really proud of them but I can't get them back. I can just learn from them.

ambition

2008-10-26T19:36:00.003-05:00

I didn't get anything done today. I slept pretty much the whole day. I doubt I will be able to get to sleep tonight. It has been a long time since I haven't been able to sleep at night. Tonight would be because I slept all day not because things would be keeping me up.

I have three interviews this week. Two at dental schools and one at another company. I don't really feel the pressure right now. Wednesday will probably be a different feel though. It has come time to see where I'm at I guess. I think I know what I want right now a lot more so than I did at the beginning of school. No matter what happens I will do my best. I don't give up that easily.

I'm going to need something warm and fuzzy here soon. Last night was pretty good for me. I'm a little worried but I am doing my best and that is all that one can ask of me :). I've never been one to be very confident. I'm kind of a shy person until I can spend some time to open up. I'm just a little frustrated hearing the same lines. I don't know what to think because EVERYONE tells me them. I heard them from my parents, my ex-girlfriend, my counselor this summer, my best friends. It just seems like people are trying to put a band-aid on me to make me feel better. I think in all reality it just comes down to me figuring out who I am. I didn't really have a chance before in my life.

I'm glad that someone talked to me and told me that I was too unselfish. I need to go get ready to get what I want. I know I can do it; I'm going to do it for myself too. Just watch. Come next Monday I'll feel like a million bucks, and it won't be because I had a Runza. I'm going home!!! I'm excited. Lincoln will be fun. I can't wait to go back to the place where I began growing up. I like being a little kid. :-P Maybe a little too much.

maybe someday

2008-10-26T14:51:00.002-05:00

Growing up is so fun :).

The million dollar question: Who am I?

I feel much better right now. I'm glad I got caught up on all the confusion last night.

I am going to go take a nap.

last night (take two)

2008-10-25T02:15:00.002-05:00

my eye has been twitching lately. i don't know if it is a problem or not. have a good night.

and it's only 8

2008-10-23T20:02:00.001-05:00

Jarod is sad tonight.

"that is a good thing"

2008-10-21T22:12:00.002-05:00

I studied quite a bit tonight! I have an exam tomorrow. I'm going to study more in the morning. Hopefully this time I will be ready for the A and B and the complex multiple choice problems. Those are the ones that messed me up last time.

The kids found out which team they wanted to be on today. It was fun to see the kids come up to the glass window and look for which team they were on. One of the kids yelled, "I'M ON COACH JOHNSON'S TEAM!" It was great. Quite a few of the kids that weren't on my team came up to me and asked, "Why didn't you pick me?" I had to explain that we didn't "pick" teams. I also stated, "I can't have all of you!"

I'm glad so many of the kids like me. I'm a much better coach after football. I'm really happy that I was able to be an assistant for that. It set me up well. I have a lot more responsibilities now.

I love coaching! I don't think I would have as much fun if I coached High School. It might be fun to try at some point but working with the Junior High kids is the best.

Three of my friends called me tonight! I talked to each of them for about fifteen minutes before they had to go. I probably should have been studying but I'm happy to make time for people who want to talk to me. Some interesting topics came up with each of them. One of them kind of surprised me; I guess I'm out of the loop sometimes, or I'm just oblivious.

I need to get back to studying!

banana split

2008-10-20T18:33:00.003-05:00

I'm going to write early tonight because I have a lot of homework to do and I will stay up way too late if I get on the computer after I get home this evening.

This Monday wasn't so bad. I'm pleasantly surprised. Usually Monday is long because of my four classes that I have in a row. I wasn't too sleepy at work either. I didn't get too much done; I decided that answering all the multiple choice stems is way too much to do. I think I'll just go over the chapters again. I spent a lot of time searching.

I kind of just sat at work and stared at the computer today. I was deep in thought :). I guess that is a good and bad thing. Good because I really need to mull over somethings in my head right now and bad because I could be doing homework. I need to get through Wednesday (my first exam) and then I can begin to start preparing for my Dental School interviews.

I got my "Thank You's" mailed out today. I have one left and I don't know if I should mail it or not. It is for writing a Letter of Recommendation for me but the person hasn't written it yet. I might just shoot the person an email and then wait. The interview with Accenture didn't get me to the second round. I wouldn't mind working for them but I guess I don't really have that choice right now. Maybe in the Spring. I sent the interviewer a written Thank You today. Maybe they didn't get it in time or maybe I was just beat out. Either case I feel like the written note is more meaningful than an email. I am writing written ones and mailing them from now on. I was influenced to do this because of "The Last Lecture". I think it takes more effort and is more sincere; granted I wasn't invited to the second round so it will end up in the trash I believe I did the right thing.

We split the kids talent wise today. I was a little upset that we didn't sit down and talk about the kids. We just stood there at practice and sorted them out. The other coach doesn't really want to be there any longer than he has to be. I'm sure he is busy but I think the split could have been done a little more professionally. I guess we'll see what happens. I didn't end up with the team that I would have liked to coach (the only reason I want the other one is because I had most of the kids in football). The coach gave me the option to switch but the flip was fair. I'll leave it up to him; we agreed to flip a coin and that is where it is at. I'm not going back on my word.

I got to talk to Steve a little more about my issues. He calmed me down quite a bit. Finally someone was able to listen to what I was saying and give me a direction. I'm not coming down on anyone else I've talked to here because most others haven't really dealt with the situation of growing up. Steve is old now! Well he always was old. I'm going to have to go visit him this winter. We'll have a wild time!

I am excited Tuesday is almost here! I get to eat at Wendy's. Tuesdays I've make it a tradition. Yum. Okay off to Swing Dancing, and then homework.

suncrisp and keepsake

2008-10-19T23:08:00.004-05:00

Today was fun. I think it was pretty productive. I woke up kind of late but I got the most out of my day! I went and picked up some supplies for my date. It was fun!

We went to Wilson's Orchard and picked apples and then made apple pie together. I think she had a fun time; sometimes it is hard to tell. I had a good time. It was fun going and tasting the apples and then picking them out. I'm glad it was such a nice day. We probably picked more apples than we needed but I'm sure they'll all get used eventually. I also bought an apple turnover for us to share. It was delicious and worth every penny I paid for it.

Making the pie with her was fun too. She doesn't cook much and I like cooking so it is kind of something that I can kind of take the lead on. I think that is a lot of the fun. She was so cute today too; there was a time when we were both standing in front of the oven and I just couldn't help but smile. I hope she had as much fun as I did; I know she doesn't like the outdoors as much as I do so I hope it was an okay idea. Some of my friends (who are girls) that I told about it thought it was a cute idea; it definitely brought a smile to my face.

I wish I could know what she is thinking sometimes. She knows I like her; the other day when I saw her before the game I had the biggest smile on my face. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. She probably takes advantage of it sometimes but at this point that is okay with me.

I have a few things in mind that I wish she would do for me. They aren't really specific things but they are things that I'd like to see happen. She has done a few already and that is good. It really isn't about receiving for me though; I like giving. Especially when I knows it makes people happy.

On a lighter note I need to buy some stamps to mail out my "Thank Yous" and applications. That is the primary task for tomorrow.

fair enough

2008-10-18T22:13:00.002-05:00

Quick movements are bad right now. I'm recovering from last night and this morning still. I'm going to try to make it a little longer before I hit the hay. I feel like curling up in a ball right now with my teddy bears. That will make me happy. They're pretty much the only things that will sleep in my bed with me.

I'm a softy.

I have a few things that are pissing me off right now. I think that it is just frustrating when people will say one thing and be stout in it and then completely go against it with the actions that he/she takes. Another thing is that I can't really talk about some of the things I want to talk about because it turns into a conversation about something else completely. Oh well.

I have lost my train of thought for tonight.

I'm talking to Steve right now. We haven't talked in awhile. I wish I could help him out. He is a guy that has always been there for me and yet I've never met him.

I'm really struggling with this one central idea in my life right now. I think it is going to be a long struggle. It is funny how so much of my life is decided by other people.

not even a penny

2008-10-18T01:44:00.002-05:00

The one thing I care about most in my life doesn't seem to be working out. It just really sucks. I work so hard and then end up with a horrific feeling inside. I've tried but you can't really change how others feel.

I have improved my life in so many areas but all of that doesn't make up for the lacking in others. I just wish things weren't so difficult sometimes. Maybe there is a reason for the things that happen in my life.

I know the brick walls are there for me to show me how bad I want it, but I can only bust through so many. The biggest one seems to be getting taller and taller. Sigh. Maybe someday.

I feel worthless right now.

iso motivation

2008-10-16T21:56:00.002-05:00

Where shall I begin. How about last night. I studied quite a bit! I actually should have done more but my brother was watching the debate and I wanted to catch a bit of it. McCain is really stiff. Obama didn't really seem sincere in his closing remarks. I'd say that Obama is too liberal for me. He talks about change; which I don't doubt will happen but I don't know if it will be for the best. McCain offers a little too much of what we've had for the last 8 years. I think it is a tough choice.

I am kind of leaning one way but I'll wait a little longer to decide. It isn't like my vote either way will really matter in Johnson County anyways. Obama is going to win the county by a long shot. I bet he wins the state pretty big too. Whoever wins better get the country back on the right track.

This morning's test was decent. It was 13 choose 6. I knew around 4-5 fairly well and I kind of had to expand a little on what I kind of knew about the others. I wasn't really pressed for time and I think I said enough to do fairly well. I guess it depends on how the rest of the class did. I thought it was a tough test.

My second test was not very good. I got 80/100. I didn't really study for that one either. It was ProE (which is computer modeling of a part you want to fabricate). I was pretty close to finishing it but I just didn't have enough time. I kind of had to go with the flow. I didn't know all the shortcuts to make the part really fast so I had to draw a lot of little nit picky things. The average was around 56 so I'd say I did fairly well. Tomorrow I have another exam in that class. Can't say I've prepared too much for that one either. I am going to get on that.

Basketball today was fun! We're evaluating talent so I don't really coach too much. The kids I have are those that have just started basketball. They'll improve a lot throughout the season once we split into teams and I can work with them at a lower level. I'm excited that they have room to improve!

I haven't really eaten a good dinner (that I cooked; Jen made some really good pasta on Tuesday in exchange for a Mint Cheesecake) this week. I had frozen pizza tonight. Tomorrow night should be a exciting dinner. I'm looking forward to it a lot. I just have to make it through a test and an interview. After my interview my day gets fun! Well kind of... I still have a lot going on next week :(.

Onto flag football. The season was fun. We didn't win but that really isn't what matters to me. I had a lot of fun with the team. Tonight was wet, cold, and muddy.

Don't really have much to say. Nothing happened today that made me think beyond the daily routine. Oh! I named my rubber duckie! Mr. Flappy! :)

2008-10-14T21:04:00.002-05:00

What is this thing called time and where did all of mine go? I can't figure out where I lost all my time and looking for where it went will cause me to lose more.

I really need to just decide what my priorities are right now. I have three jobs, school, and I am looking for jobs/professional schools. Bleh. It just seems like I have so much on my plate right now I never get time to just sit down for a second. The next two weeks are ridiculous. I have three exams this week; work has picked up and it is time dependent. I also have some interviews coming up. I need to apply for another job tonight as well. The deadline is tomorrow. Projects are taking a lot of time as well. I should be doing more tonight but I'm just overwhelmed. :(

I really enjoy coaching. It is by far the BEST part of my day. It just gets me away from school and real life. I really enjoy working with the kids. They enjoy my presence too. I have a few that act as coach's pets. I won't be coaching them though because they'll be on the A team. I think they'll like the A team coaches too.

So one of my friends made me really happy today. Jen gave me a rubber duckie! It was exciting. I got rid of all my old ducks because Alison gave them to me and I'm done with that. It made me happy. Jen knows what I like and how to make me happy. I'm glad that I have one friend like that. Not to many people do special things for me. I'm glad I am a nice person and can do things that make others happy. It is so much more rewarding when you can see someones appreciation. I'm still not perfect but sometimes it is the little things that make people tick.

So I need to just start flipping some coins to decide what I want in my life. I've thought about getting out a few pieces of paper and writing down everything that I like about all my choices. I might do it. Flipping a coin seems to be so much easier. I should flip one now to see if I should go to bed or study. It is 9:00 but I am exhausted. I need to study a little.

I'm kind of down tonight. My eyes are watering a bit now. I just feel like so much is going on. My life is a helluva lot better than it was last year but I just don't really feel like it is going anywhere. It might just be easier to sleep than stay up and think about all the choices I have to make. I've done a lot of work to get myself to where I am today but the road ahead is long. To get to where I want to be is a lot more work than I feel capable of doing right now. I just don't feel like anyone will appreciate me for who I am or understand me. I don't really feel unique.

I'm just going to go to bed. I don't really feel any better after writing.

ears ringing

2008-10-14T01:15:00.002-05:00

Monday is over! Hooray! Well I enjoyed the last part of my day much more than the beginning. Work was kind of boring. Class was just average; although I did give a pretty good definition of what a group was in PASPA. I'm so the over achiever that sits in the front row (except I kind of tested the water on the first test and I know how I need to study).

More so I have to get a new senior design project; third time. Yes not fun. Stressful can we say. Just when I think that class is settling down it gets upended. I need to call Nebraska back to schedule my interview there. I kind of want to do it when I can go to a Husker game, and I want to take one of my friends with me for the day so it isn't so lonely. I don't know of anyone that would sacrifice a Friday of class for me.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow because I can nap. I will also probably go have a Spicy Chicken Sandwich for lunch at Wendy's since I have kind of made a tradition out of that on Tuesdays. I skip breakfast usually so the fatty meal is ok by my standards.

Basketball was oodles of fun today. The kids really like me as a coach. I think now that I'll be a head coach I can get a lot out of them. It really helped me to be an assistant in football and I am so grateful towards Kris (the head coach) for all he did. I thanked him but I don't think it goes to show how much he did for me.

Swing Dancing tonight was good! I wasn't as horrible as last week. I think it was just kind of a fluke. Last week I just didn't really feel like being there and I was also a little frustrated with the people I had to dance with. We're all learning (and I sucked too) so I guess all is fair.

I got picked up after lessons. It kind of surprised me that she came to get me. It was really nice of her. I was planning on stopping by the bank to get money since she said she bought tickets already. It would have been slipped in her purse or back pocket to pay for them but she was waiting for me in her car.

Alyssa got so giddy for the concert. I don't think I will ever be that happy for a concert. There are a few bands I would get excited for (July for Kings, Third Eye Blind, Graham Colton, Safety Suit) but none like she was. July for Kings would probably get the biggest rise out of me. I would say that there are a few things in life that will make me that happy:

Getting a new teddy bear.
Probably a Packers Game (I've never been to one).
A girl doing something for me that she knows I like.
A big time Iowa Football Game (i.e. Iowa vs. USC in the Orange Bowl or more recently Iowa vs. OSU under the lights).
Getting another tattoo would probably do it as well (this won't come for a long time in my life though [if ever]).

Having my friends show up to my birthday party would have done it as well.

Anyways I'm glad we got to go out and do something. It had been awhile since we have done something besides hang out. I know it was important to her that we go since her roommate Alyssa probably wouldn't have gone if we didn't go with her.

I have to say I liked the last two bands. I really like the acoustic part of Minus the Bear. I'm not really into the jumping around thing or moving with the beat. I just don't feel comfortable doing that for a band I've never heard. Kind of would have felt as if I were doing it to fit in. That isn't me. I enjoyed it but I just can't bring myself to jump on a bandwagon because everyone else is doing it. I might come of as if I'm not having a good time for it but so be it.

Her goodnight kiss was just what I needed. :)

Goodnight!